A New Horizon - Birth of the Phoenix

9/19:

Felt more tired and weak today for some reason and didn't really do much. My mom and I went for a very slow walk in the evening and watched a movie.

While I was brushing my teeth, some lyrics started coming through. I haven't written a song in ages and am always so grateful when lyrics come to me like that:

Shattered dreams 

Broken hearts 

Ripped at the seams 

Falling apart 

Feeling the pain

Don't wanna hide

I can't stand the rain

Or keep it inside 

Love is a game

We never can win

What we became

Shouldn't have been 

Chorus:

I love the idea of you

Can't stand to see the truth 

Start falling into you

But wake up and run from you

9/20:

My energy level was much better today! I finally took the subway for the first time since before I got sick, ran some errands and had warm teriyaki salmon sushi at my favorite place in Mariatorget. We watched "Friends" in the evening.

9/21:

This is my daily breakfast: Rainbow Fruit Salad 

Tested jumping today which felt ok, but then I got tired, so I took a nice long nap. In the evening I went to the store and walked pretty quickly and even danced a bit (so fun!) and ran out of breath, but I didn't feel weak and tired. Not sure if it's good to push the limits a little to build up my stamina or if I should take it easy to not overdo it. It's a balance listening to the body. I meditated for 30 minutes before bed, which felt really nice.

9/22:

I started the morning with deep breathing for 10 minutes. I would like to set a goal to meditate/breathe for 10 minutes when I wake up and 10 minutes before I go to sleep (if longer, even better). Watched "Friends" in the morning and took it very easy and rested most of the day to save energy for going out later. At 6:30 PM I had dinner with my old friend, Veronica from High School at Bishops in Gamla Stan. We had a lovely time catching up after 10 years and went to Sankta Clara afterward to listen to live Jazz. Nice to get out and have some fun finally! I came home around midnight.

9/23: 

Meditated for 10 minutes in the morning and before bed. Relaxing day. Worked on the drawing for my cousin, felt tired and took a little nap, watched "The Nanny Diaries" and worked on my needle-point.

9/24:

Didn't feel as strong today. Slept until 11 AM and felt groggy (got 11 hours of sleep). I practiced deep breathing for an hour and did 200 breaths in 63 minutes! That's about 3 breaths per minute! I even managed to get it down to two breaths (10 breaths in 5 min). Got a lot more energy from it. Breathing is good for strengthening the lungs after pneumonia. Sometimes when you set small goals (like meditating 10 min), you achieve more.

I finished the drawing for Jonathan. I'm proud of the result, especially since I'm not used to using crayons.

At 4 PM, my mom's friends Cattis and Alf came over. At 7:30 PM we had dinner and watched "A River Runs Through It", the most boring movie ever, so we gave up halfway through and watched "Friends".

9/25:

Got 11 hours of sleep again. Started the day by taking 100 deep breaths in 44 minutes (that's about 2 breaths per minute)!

Unfortunately we ended up not going to Jonathan's 17th birthday party. As much as we'd been looking forward to it, we didn't have the energy to go out and socialize. My mom still couldn't talk, and my energy level had gone down the past few days, so I really felt like I needed to listen to my body. We would much rather see Jonathan one-on-one anyway.

In the evening I had the energy to take the bus to the store and get groceries.

9/26:

In the morning I finished writing the song lyrics I started a week ago. Then I watched Sia's iHeartRadio performance, which was really good. I have a lot of respect for her because she uses her strengths (great vocalist and songwriter) and doesn't let her weaknesses (like her looks) stop her from being successful, instead uses it to her advantage by being unique and creating mystery and a signature look by hiding her face. The performance is very artsy, a lot like the Performing Arts High School I went to.

https://youtu.be/IWLX0JpNjc8

Then I rested, listened to music, watched the clouds drift by and breathed 100 times in 30 minutes.

In the evening we went for a walk and had a salad at a Pizzeria nearby.

Autumn is upon us. Living in Maui for so long, I've missed the four seasons. 

My mom's friend, Mats came over around 7 PM and gave us reiki healing and aura clearings and we checked out astro-travel online to see where in the world it's best to live. Briefly, for me, Maui is good for arts and healing. Sweden is good for introspection and meditation, but more difficult financially. Southern Europe is good for figuring out career goals and life direction. Madagascar is good for retiring. And then there's Australia...  Now, I've never had a desire to go to Australia, but apparently this place is supposed to be good for my recognition and success. Before I left Maui I got a psychic reading and was told I'd go to Australia, and I thought, "Yeah, right!". Then, when my dad and I were driving to Victoria, we passed by a road called "Anders Rd" (the name of my uncle). I told my dad, "If there was a road named "Isa Rd", I'd have to live there!" So I Googled it, and it turns out there is one... in (guess where...) Australia! As if that wasn't enough, coincidentally there's a road perpendicular to it called, "Arthur St" (the name of my dad). Now that's just creepy. There's also a "Mount Isa" in Australia... My husband has a niece there, so maybe we'll pay her a visit... Logically it doesn't make sense to live there, since I am a dual citizen of the US & EU. Then move somewhere I am not a citizen? But Mats said something valuable: you can get a lot out of just going somewhere that is beneficial for your soul and growth, you don't necessarily have to move there. Which lead me to think... that goes for every experience in life. I don't have to be so focused on doing the "right" thing or making the "right" decision (which comes from fear or making a mistake). Every experience I have is part of my journey and beneficial for my soul and growth. If you look at it that way, there are no mistakes, only experiences. When I first came back to Maui when I was 18, that was my main life philosophy, and it really worked for me. It helped me take risks. Not judging any experience as "good" or "bad", just seeing it as what it is: an experience.

9/27:

Started checking out the book "From Onions to Pearls" by Satyam Nadeen, who claims he became enlightened in Federal prison. So far I'm not that impressed, but I started really reflecting on the question, "Who Am I?" And instead of making it a question, I changed it to an answer, "I Am". Which of course lead me to think about the famous "burning bush" quote: "I am that I am". In the book he kept referring to the statement, "I am THAT" (which I've also heard from other sources throughout my life). How about changing that to, "I am THIS". Right here, right now. There is so much more presence in that statement and it also puts more emphasis on not focusing on something outside of your "self". There is so much judgment about the "ego" in the New Age mentality, but what if it's all ok? I am THIS: the ego, the spirit, the knowing, the feelings, the consciousness, the experience, the moment, the surroundings... Everything!

Anyway, I spent the whole day recording my new song, "Run From You" and edited and mixed it... I took an online Christina Aguilera Masterclass a while back and the Facebook group was doing a song writing challenge, so I submitted it (even though it was past the deadline). The quality's bad but it's the best I could do with Garageband and my voice memo recorder on my phone. I figured something is better than nothing. You can listen to it here:

https://soundcloud.com/hillary-bush/sets/christina-aguileras

Before bed I did my deep breathing exercise of 100 breaths.

9/28:

Got some rain in the morning which was nice. Easy going day and I meditated for 30 minutes. 

Mats came over again and we got reiki healing, brought Chinese herbs for the immune system and he gave me an astrology reading. He said I'll be in this phase of restlessness and need for change and travel for a couple more years - it's a time for meeting new people, exploring, studying... I'm setting new grounds for my life and in a couple years I'll be really focused on career. I need to "get out there and spread my wings". Internationally. This is a time when the ground is kind of shaking beneath me and my life might feel like it's being flipped upside down and all I can do is go with it. A lot of deep inner transformation happening. A big life lesson for me is letting go. Right now it's also a lot about relationships and communication. I've been in this phase of going inward (when I was sick) and doing inner work but it's starting to end, and starting about next week the phase of "getting out in the world" will start, so he thinks I'll be traveling.

Since I hadn't been outside in two days, I went to Sankta Clara at 10 PM to listen to live Jazz and only caught about 20 minutes of the act. It was good though, and the place was packed!

9/29:

I did my breathing exercises in the morning and cleaned the bathroom. It was a super blustery day and the wind was literally howling. Spent most of the day recording and adding harmonies to my song. My mom and I went out for sushi later on and then meditated for 30 minutes with the Quakers (I had a better experience this time). Afterward my mom went home and I went to the Mornington Hotel in Östermalmstorg to check out a jazz singer named Elise Einarsdotter. I wasn't that impressed and all the seats were taken, so I left after a couple songs.

The city is pretty at night. Östermalm is the "fancy shmansy" part of town.

Funny ad in the subway for kitchen countertops. Oh, so THAT's what they're for! ;) It says, "Where life happens".

Nice artwork in the subway. Everything in Sweden has class and is clean, organized and together.

9/30:

I did my breathing exercises in the morning and finished mixing my song. My mom's friend, Atti was supposed to come over for dinner but she got sick and canceled... Blessie and I talked about about getting together, but she got sick too. Yup, living in a cold climate, especially in the city, makes you sick more often.

Got some groceries and saw this in the store:

The Swedes think of everything... They're offering bananas for the kids to munch on while their parents are shopping!

10/1:

Woke up feeling really groggy... did my breathing exercises and went to visit my grandmother's sister, Li in Karlaplan. Passed by this beautiful rose garden on the way. Spent 3.5 hours there talking and looking at photo albums. It was so nice to connect with her since all my grandparents have passed. She was a librarian and danced Flamenco for 30 years. She's 85 years old and her mind is very sharp and her memory is great. Makes me think maybe the reading and dancing spared her from getting dementia like her sister? It's supposed to help prevent it.

She gave me this ring, real gold but she wasn't sure what the stone is (probably white sapphire). That night I dreamed that she told me Jesus lives in the little hole underneath the stone.

Passed by this beautiful rose garden on the way.

In the evening we watched the Woody Allen movie, "Midnight in Paris", which we both had seen before. I love Paris and wanted to live there when I was little and become a fashion designer.

10/2:

I started the morning by breathing 150 times in 48 minutes. My mom went to the Quakers, so I enjoyed my time home alone. I felt inspired and sang and played the piano and messed around with finding different chords to my new song.

At 3 PM we went to visit "the Rosenbergs" and celebrate Jonathan's belated birthday. Today was Carina's actual birthday but we weren't expecting her to come because she wasn't feeling well, but then she came anyway! It was a dream come true for me to have us all in the same place at the same time... just us. I feel so blessed to come from such an intelligent, open-minded and spiritual family. Jonathan was in his room most of the time playing video games like a typical teenager.

10/3:

Did my breathing exercises for 30 minutes in the morning and then meditated with my mom for 30 minutes. Was tired so I took a really nice long nap and woke up at 4 PM, made dinner and at 9 PM my mom and I went to Fasching because every Monday night they have a free jazz concert and a jam session. I finally had the energy to go and perform! I sang two of my favorite jazz standards, "Ain't Misbehavin" and "Angel Eyes". I got really nervous when I saw the level of talent and realized what I had gotten myself into, but once I got up there I was able to relax more and control the nerves. Emilia Mårtensson trio was the main act and she was really nice and down-to-earth and gave me a hug after I sang. (Not like the French singer I sat in with at Sankta Clara). Didn't fall asleep until 2 AM.

10/4:

We spent the morning cleaning and then we both took a nap and I did my breathing exercises. In the evening I got groceries and we had my mom's new friend, Evy over for dinner. We had a really nice time and she was easy to connect with and relatable. She's only five years older than me and we have quite a lot in common.

10/5:

My mom and I both felt really tired and whiny in the morning and wanted to go shopping. We took a little nap first and then ate out, and as soon as we ate our moods and energy levels shifted. Practicing self-care and getting to know yourself is like having a baby... "What does the baby want now?"... I'll be happy once I understand my needs more and know what it takes to make myself the most content.

We had fun shopping all day and were impressed with our stamina. We got tired too though and pushed ourselves beyond our limits. We went to IKEA and a big Shopping Center in Skärholmen. 

One of the cutest things I got were these cat PJ shorts at H&M. 

I've been so unmaterialistic the past few years and haven't enjoyed shopping as much as I did today in a long time. I got some coloring pens, so when I got home I used them for my Mindfulness Coloring Book.

10/6:

I did my breathing exercises in the morning and then was out all day. I went to Skärholmen again to return some stuff and then to Djurgården and took the ferry to Slussen. 

I had dinner in Gamla Stan and then was waiting for the Blues Jam to start, but found out it was the wrong day and actually tomorrow.

10/7: 

I did my breathing exercises in the morning and had a good cry. A lot of fear came up around traveling to an unknown place on my own. I need to be in a warm climate right now in my own space, so I started looking at last-minute flights to Madeira and the Canary Islands. I was really attached to going to Annecy in France and then Menorca, but it's starting to get too cold there and with my health not being 100%, I need to keep it simple. The astrological aspects for me are better in Madeira, but the beaches are better in the Canary Islands and it's warmer.

10/8:

Well, I finally booked my flight! I am so terrified I am shaking... but I'm doing it anyway. I spent all day doing research and trying to make the perfect choice and finally chose Funchal, Madeira for a week. Really cheap last-minute deal for the flight and hotel and normally it's so expensive to fly there. I have two days to get ready (I depart 10/11). I really wanted the Canary Islands, but tried to book it and there were issues, so I guess it wasn't meant to be. I also considered Turkey because it's warmer and has nicer beaches, but I'd have to wait a week and I really want to get away from the cold. It'll be interesting to see if the astrological aspects are as good as predicted! They have a jazz club there too.

10/9:

Woke up with some anxiety and a bit stressed. Had the apartment to myself in the morning which was nice. I was finally able to dance a bit without getting exhausted. My energy level was good all day and health I'm starting to feel pretty much back to normal. It's been 8 weeks now since I got sick. I went out and ran some errands and did laundry. Mats came over for dinner and looked at our Human Design charts and gave us healing. I felt so good after the healing - calm and balanced. My mom's voice is back so we could finally have a normal dinner with talking.

10/10:

Woke up so anxious I thought about giving up and not going. I took a bath to help me relax. Then I started doing research on the final details, which I had to do REALLY slowly just to be able to concentrate, and booked the shuttle (which was a complicated process) I'm not going to explain. So stressful having to prepare for everything that can go wrong, especially in a place you've never been before. Luckily I happened to see on the website that the hotel takes a 100 EU security deposit in CASH, so I had to go to the bank in T-Centralen before they closed at 4 PM and withdraw more money and then exchange it.

I managed to pack my backpack before dinner so I could relax and get start getting excited. Phew!