Skadom

8/6: 

Today we left Skadom. Klara and I cooked the final meal together. We lucked out with the weather this week because it was supposed to be rainy the past few days, but it didn't start raining until we left. It was a great experience and we also felt ready to leave. I'm glad I got over my initial anxiety and started relaxing and enjoying it. So nice to have space and freedom to do whatever you want, there was pretty much a party every day, we didn't have to worry about deciding what to cook, we all helped out with everything, there was this feeling of being part of a club... I was like a missing puzzle piece in the relative tree and everyone was very happy to meet me. Being an only child with a single mom, I haven't really experienced the feeling of being around a big family and feeling part of a community. I still had a little trouble feeling that, even towards the end, because I know that I am so much more than my ancestry and blood. But it is still a big part of me and good to know your roots. One of the biggest challenges was the gossiping (rumors spread very quickly) and constantly being asked what I'm doing with my life and where I'm going, which is exactly what I'm trying to not dwell on right now.

We had a pretty fun train-ride back, but it was tiring too because we had to switch five times. Roberto and Carin dropped us off. Åsa came and surprised us in Sundsvall and brought us wild blueberries she had picked herself. So sweet!

We came home around 10 PM and watched the first hour of "The Sound of Music".

8/5: I read in the morning and worked on my needle-point and finished the butterfly wings.

In the evening I did some vocal warmups, went for a walk with my mom and then Roberto made pasta for everyone for dinner and we ate some homemade berry ice-cream I had made the day before.

8/4: In the morning I vacuumed a few rooms in the clock museum. Britt is very happy with me. She said not only am I talented, I always know where things are when she's looking for them, I notice things that need to be done and do them, I notice when she needs help without her asking, and I quickly learned where everything was in the kitchen.

I was asked to perform at their event when 30 tourists showed up to view the clock museum. They wanted the same bellydance routine as before with Roberto, and they wanted me to sing a couple jazz standards. I did some vocal warmups before and then performed around 2:30 PM. It was a tough crowd so I got really nervous. The Swedes tend to be very serious and not so expressive. It was pretty torturous, but it went well...

Then my second-cousins and I baked for a while and I gave them a third belly-dance lesson in the gym and started teaching them the beginning of the drum solo routine I performed. They loved it and did very well.

8/3: Woke up in a good mood listening to my favorite songs and dancing and walked down to the lake. Had an easy-going day reading and working on my needle-point. In the evening I went for a bike ride with my mom, Åsa and Klara and then we went over to Björn and Monica's for wine and cheese. Dad, you would've loved this!

8/2: 

In the morning I helped Britt make a cake for Carin (it was her "name day" - It's a Swedish thing). Seems like they'll use any excuse to have a party up here :)

Then I practiced songs for about 1.5 hours and at 2 PM we ate the cake. I worked some more on my needle-point and taught another belly-dance class at 8 PM and then we all walked over to Ingela's. The weather was freezing cold! We booked our return tickets to Stockholm on Saturday.

8/1: 

My mom and I meditated in the morning, then I gave Åsa a massage, and at 3 PM I taught a belly-dance class. We wanted to be outside but it started pouring rain so we stayed inside.

Afterward I worked on my needle-point and then we were stuck inside the clock museum because of the thunder and lightning, so Roberto played music and I sang Brazilian songs.

7/31: 

Woke up at 10 AM! I think I slept about 11 hours... I finally figured out why I was cold at night even though I added blankets... I sleep on an air mattress, so the air gets cold and no matter how many blankets I have, I'm still sleeping on cold air. So I put a blanket under me, which was perfect.

At 1 PM I went horseback riding with Klara and Sara. It was really fun - my horse was named Selena. I used to ride when I was little.

It started pouring rain with thunder and lightning so I stayed in my cottage and worked on my needle-point while practicing songs. Then I went to a BBQ (with meat from the farm) and ate delicious food.

The party went on until 11 PM and I belly-danced and my mom's cousin's boyfriend, Roberto accompanied me and performed a few songs as well.

7/30: 

Felt very internal today so I meditated for 10 minutes, read my book, worked on my needle-point project, practiced songs for 1.5 hours, went for a walk with my mom and she lead some Qi Gong with Åsa, Klara and I. In the evening we walked over to the farm to see the pigs, cows, sheep and turkeys.

Needle-point

7/29: 

Really hot day! Went down to the lake with my mom and Klara (my mom's cousin's 20-year-old daughter). I stood with my legs in the water up to my thighs for a very long time before I finally had the courage to jump in. Boy, was it cold! I got right back out immediately. Everyone else thought it was warm.

After lunch I played Othello for a long time on my phone and then fell asleep and took a nice long nap. I needed something to distract myself from my obsessive thinking about what do with my life and where to go next and trying to decide if I wanted to keep traveling or start massage school Sept 12th on Maui. I was over-thinking so much it was preventing me from staying present and enjoying my trip and concentrating on conversations. I felt tired of having to make decisions and the thought of planning more travel felt overwhelming. If I go to school, I would have to start planning my return trip soon. School would be a nice way to get into a routine for 7 months, and I could probably get a job immediately after because they hire people straight out of school a lot of the time. Then I could do office work part-time, massage part-time and perform and teach in the evenings. I gave my mom's cousin Åsa a massage today because she gets migraines that come from tension in her back. It always feels good to help people and massage is relaxing and meditative for me. My new motto is, "I'll know when I know" but it's very challenging to not let fear and control take over.

At 9 PM after dinner, we walked over to my mom's cousin Ingela's house for dessert.

Afterward, Ingela's husband showed a few of us their own private movie theatre (and gym room)! It was pretty cool and they built it all themselves. There were real movie theatre seats, a popcorn maker and they painted the walls black with a white square in the middle for the projector light to shine on. They played a few different concerts and movie samples.

7/28: 

Pretty overcast and rainy day. There were two super annoying flies that kept bothering me last night in my sleep. I managed to kill them both in the morning. 

I felt more comfortable and at home today. Turns out I don't have to be around people all the time, and it's nice to have my cottage to go to if I need space. I practiced some songs for the cover band I am in, started reading a book I borrowed from my mom about Non-violent Communication (so good!), played Othello on my phone and meditated for 10 minutes.

In the evening my mom and I picked black currants and went for a walk.

This is how light it is at 10 PM! Hard to go to bed on time...

7/27: 

Went up to Skadom (the North of Sweden). Took a train at 12:22 PM that arrived at 6:16 PM and then my mom's cousin, Ingela picked us up. So nice to sit on a train and just reflect.

I got a shirt like this one when I was in Stockholm three years ago for my friend, Celeste (because it really suits her personality) and then ended up getting one for myself too. At the time, it did not suit my life philosophy at all, but now it is pretty perfect, especially for this trip. Whenever I feel fear around this process I am going through, I put it on to help embrace it with more openness, curiosity and excitement.

There is a big clock museum here in Skadom (with 800 clocks!), a tourist attraction, that my mom's uncle, Tobbe founded filled with clocks he collected from all over the world.

His wife, Britt-Marie served us dinner and we met some of the relatives. I felt pretty uncomfortable because I don't know these people that well. They are practically strangers to me and I feel anxious when I meet new people in new surroundings. I am so much like a cat and feel the need to go hide under the bed. The last time I was here it was for my great-grandmother's funeral in 2003 (I was 15 years old). I was also freaking out a bit because there is no internet out here, not even the data that I pay for works. I have to walk outside to a certain area to get WiFi so I can blog, check emails and messages, make phone calls etc.

My own little cottage 

 My room

 

My mom and I went for a walk before bed and saw the baby calves, dogs and chickens. We called my uncle and he wasn't doing so well because he was rear-ended in a car accident, but luckily he was ok.