Where to Now?

8/18: 

Full moon in Aquarius, which usually brings up a lot of stuff to the surface that needs to be released, especially if it's in your sign (which it is for me). Raining... Felt worse physically (Day 7 of fever and cough!) but better emotionally and mentally. My mind was quieter and I started feeling happy. I was able to take a nice long shower and really enjoy every moment of it. I had been sweating so much and hadn't had the energy to shower in three days. Afterward I felt faint and my heart started pounding, so I ate and felt better. I was able to get the internet working again (yay!). And I got really excited because the cover band I'm in finally added a Backstreet Boys song! 

This is really like a workshop/retreat for me and very necessary. I've decided to not think anymore about career or pushing myself beyond my fears to go traveling more or trying to figure anything out and just be present and do what feels good. Actually, I'm not sure it's a fear of traveling... just resistance to planning and not feeling inspired. The only fear is regretting it if I don't. I told Kelsey to reserve August 28th-31st for me to come see her (in which case I have to leave August 26th), but to not get her hopes up. My flight credit to Vancouver is good until May next year, so I could always pay her a visit later. Blessie invited me visit her next week if I feel better. Nicole wants me to come before September 19th because she might start school, but that is not definite. So there is not much pressure now. My job does not have to be my purpose in life. If I go back to an office job, so be it, it's just money and not my identity. Good relationships and friendships are the priority for happiness I believe. There is a time for everything and I don't have to push. Honor when I am not able to perform at my full potential and be on top. There is no need to rush. Just enjoy this moment. And this moment. And this moment. Just staring out the window, not going anywhere and not doing anything will not make me depressed if I am present. I can find beauty in everything. Even if I search for a peaceful and quiet place outside of myself, I will not hear the silence if my mind is clouded with loud chatter, negativity and fear. It could always be better and it could always be worse. Everything is temporary - the highs and the lows. Feeling very grateful. The answer to the question, "Where to now?" is... "Nowhere".

"Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it's called the present." ~ Bill Keane

8/17: 

Still not getting better... We should get me to the doctor soon, once I am strong enough to go out in the cold. Raining... Missing my husband and best friend, Nicole. I felt so frustrated, stuck, sick of not being able to talk, needing to move, get fresh air, but I was sick of the cold gloomy weather and I wanted to leave Sweden but didn't know where to. It was a good exercise in accepting your emotions and everything that comes up without trying to run away. As if that wasn't enough, I lost internet for some reason. The lessons continue... more non-doing and just witnessing, being and letting go of control. If we constantly acted on our feelings when things felt uncomfortable, kept searching for happiness and something better, we would constantly be on the run. My mom spooned me for a while, which opened up my heart and I started crying. I got this angel card: "Bright future - stop worrying. Everything will be fine".

8/16: 

Was so out of it, I couldn't blog. Klara came over and spent the night. Not talking is such a good exercise in listening, observing your thoughts and not feeling pressure to say anything (which I normally feel in social situations). You notice how important communication is to have good relationships, so that people don't take things personally especially when you are sick, and can't show much facial expression or enthusiasm.

8/15: 

Fever was high today and I lost my voice because of my cough and had to write things down if I needed to say something. I managed to get up, take a shower, wash my hair, change and tidy up a bit, but then my fever went up. My mom invited a couple friends over and it was so nice have some company even though I couldn't parttake in the socializing. I was so happy to receive the love and chrystalized ginger and raspberries, I started crying.

I felt so much anxiety and just wanting to hide from my life and the world, stay sick and let my mom take care of me. Felt afraid of everything. Fear of independece, fear of dependence, fear of failure, fear of life, fear of responsibilty, fear of irresponsibility, fear of freedom, fear of captivity... the only thing I could think of that I wasn't afraid of was pleasure. Laughter. Fun. I was realizing that my physical home was not enough to make me feel at home inside, my posessions were just things, my job is just something I do, my parents were just people who brought me into the world and I am responsible for my own life and my decisions... My soul came into this life alone and will leave alone. It is all up to ME. The only thing getting in my way is ME. I am my own worst enemy and my own best friend. My choice.

Makes me think of my favorite Pink song: "Don't let me get me ~ I'm my own worst enemy ~ It's bad when you annoy yourself ~ So irritating ~ Don't wanna be my friend no more ~ I wanna be somebody else"

Then I thought, "Well, I don't want to let fear run my life, so I have to face it to get rid of it". But no matter which way I go, I would be facing my fears. Fear can also be a good motivator to take action - when the fear of one consequence becomes greater than another. Yes, I think it is good to face fear but it is also OK to do things that feel safe. It's like when I was trying acro-yoga for the first time, I felt scared and the guy that was basing me said, "Ok, we'll wait until you're not scared then". Or when I snorkeled for the first time and got scared, I started swimming back and once I started relaxing because I knew I would be safe, I started enjoying it and was able to go back out in the water. I am constantly facing my fears and I need to give myself credit for that. I don't have to feel like a failure if I don't. Exposure Therapy is good yes, but the key is taking your time, setting a goal and then dividing it up into smaller steps. In the beginning you feel the most fear, but overtime it gets easier. Just like when I worked on getting over my performance anxiety. It's still work to this day, but it gets easier. Right now, I just need to do things (anything!) that feel safe, have patience with myself, and allow myself to be an insecure and scared little child. I don't have to do anything that I don't want to. I don't have to please anybody (including myself or my future self) and I don't have to live up to my own or anyone else's standards.

8/14: 

Woke up feeling stressed, trying to figure out a new plan. My anxiety seems the worst in the mornings right now. I thought to myself, if worse comes to worse, I'll just have to settle for another office job, but I have so much resistance to that thought. I think my resistance will motivate me to come up with another solution. When you are forced to lie in bed and not go anywhere, you are really forced to face your inner demons and work through your stuff. I guess this is why some people have become enlightened in jail. I prayed for the Universe to show me the way and I was listening to a subliminal for relief from Post-traumatic stress/relaxation music with Binaural beats and then following that, a guided meditation for detachment from Over-thinking came on which was exactly what I needed and got me to relax. It's really about being the observer to your thoughts. All the worry is self-created by thoughts and the thoughts trigger emotional stress. Then my mom put some jazz music on, which felt really nice. This non-talking exercise felt kind of nice too, like a Vipassana retreat. 

When I talked to Nicole the other night, she said there would be a training program starting in January next year in Maui called "Mission Be", a non-profit teaching mindfulness in schools. I think that is one of the most meaningful things you can do if you want to benefit the world and the new generation. When I met Doreen Virtue on Maui, I asked her what my life purpose was and she said she saw me teaching kids (dance). I said I didn't really like kids, but she said these were good kids around the age of 9-11. I do love to teach. And because meditation is such a big part of my work on myself right now, it could benefit me to learn more about it. I am super interested in Ayurveda too, but as a career I'm not sure it's for me. Doreen thought it would drive me crazy having to listen to people's problems all day and focus on illness.

I was really happy I let go of the massage idea. I chatted with my friend Debbie last night and she said, "That's hard work Isa, hard on you and they don't pay that much if you have to pay your own taxes etc. And stinky guys, lots of hair ugh... and they'd probably get a boner lol". I love how Debbie is so clear and direct.

"Where to now?" feels like such a stressful question for me, along with the pressures of society of always having to know where to go and what to do, but I guess the key is focusing on the "now" part. And like my Godmother taught me when I was 18 and about to venture out into the world: "Not knowing is ok. Just wait until you know."

This has been my view the past few days.

8/13: 

Woke up with more energy, the fever had gone down but my cough was worse and was starting to affect my vocal cords, so I decided to not talk too much. Anders and Jill invited us over and said Jonathan wanted to make dinner for us in the evening, and I was hoping I would feel well enough, but later on my fever went up and I just slept and stayed in bed. My mom and I watched an episode of "Madicken" (a Swedish kids program from when I was little). I always feel like watching kids shows and Disney movies when I'm sick. My fever was up to 38.4 °C by evening. We also watched the beginning of "Notting Hill".

I was so happy I didn't have any mucous and was really enjoying being allowed to be sick and relax and surrender. I got more clarity on massage school once I surrendered to the idea of not making it home on time, and looked deeper at the underlying fear of the unknown, my concern of making the wrong choice, trying to meet everybody's schedules and desires, and not knowing what else to do and resistance to even wanting to THINK about what else to do. I also downloaded an anatomy app to test how interested I really was and very quickly realized I wasn't passionate enough to commit and do the work. At least right now.

When Björn (the acupuncturist) did muscle testing on me, he said my subconsciousness wanted to keep traveling. I guess he was right. I started feeling inspired again. Since I don't have a "safe" and predictable plan when I return anyway, I might as well take the risk when I'm ready. And then I can take my time going back home. Like John Lennon said, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans". Life isn't safe and predictable - safety comes from an inner knowing that no matter what happens, it's ok.

8/12: 

I got enough sleep but felt groggy and spacey. I was planning on taking a bunch of dance classes at Balettakademin and then have dinner with Blessie at an Indian restaurant. I rested for a bit and didn't feel like going anywhere but then I brought some lunch to Winterviken and lay on the bridge in the sun. It was windy and cold. Then I went to Odenplan and stopped by Vasaparken and my old school, Vasa Real (4th to 9th grade).

I took a Ballet class at 6 PM at Balettakademin and halfway through, I started feeling feverish and left 30 minutes early and canceled my plans with Blessie and told her I can visit her in Uppsala next week depending on how I feel. It was a beginners class, so I was wondering why I felt so spaced out and stupid because I couldn't even follow something that was so slow and easy that I'm usually good at. Then I realized it was the fever. 

I was proud of myself for so quickly setting boundaries and taking care of myself, when normally I get so stressed out about the things I'll be missing and the people I'll be letting down and won't even admit to myself that I'm sick etc., but overtime I've finally learned that it always works out and happens for a reason and you can find other solutions.

Balettakademin

So there you go! My body's way of saying let go, trust and relax. I did some shopping on the way home to prepare if I got really sick. It was so blustery and cold. Craving fruits and veggies. My temperature was 38.2 °C when I came home and I had a pretty bad cough, but no other symptoms and it was so nice having my mom stroking my hair and making me fruit salad. The past couple times I got sick I was so sad to not have my mom there. We all just want our moms when we get sick, right? I felt so grateful because it felt so relaxing to have a fever and really quieted the mind down. Almost like a drug. 

8/11: 

Woke up at 5 AM hot with anxiety, despite the fact I felt relaxed before I went to sleep. I did a lot of work to relax and called Carina who helped me feel better. I can't run away from my anxiety and process, it's all inside of me. She suggested getting out of the apartment and said I could come over Saturday and maybe spend the night. I went to get my passport and then the bank and then went to Winterviken because I felt the need to be somewhere in nature. I ate and lay in the sun on the bridge (it was finally sunny again!). I had low appetite but once I managed to get the food down I felt much more grounded.

My decision for now is to leave on the 18th or 19th next week and then come home earlier around the 1st of Sept and then I can feel out on the way if I want to go to school. The thought of traveling more feels like too much right now and I have no desire to see new things. Either way I need to relax and get back to balance before I jump on a flight anywhere. I took a sleeping pill to make sure I got caught up on sleep.

8/10: 

I woke up early again around 6 AM, without enough sleep, still thoughts spinning around in my head and anxiety and feeling depressed. I felt like I really wanted to book the return flights so I could stop thinking about it. I did some research and then I breathed and moved and listened to subliminals for a couple hours, which helped me feel better and then I pushed myself to go out in the cold to run a few errands even though I was feeling tired and low. I came home to drop off some things and was planning on going back out to run some more errands, but let go of all the "shoulds" and decided to lay down and rest. I didn't fall asleep, but I was able to let go of all the decision making and trying to please anybody and relax. While I was out, my childhood friend Blessie who I was planning on seeing this weekend in Uppsala, said she quit her summer job and got offered a new job this weekend and would have time to see me Friday night instead, but would be off all of next week. So... while I was laying there resting I suddenly thought of the half-crazy idea that we could go to Barcelona for a couple days together next week. I threw it out there and she was open to the idea and all of a sudden I felt inspired to look at hotels and flights. She said she would look up last-minute flights as well. I finally felt better and started thinking more positively. Rest was good for me. For now, I'm going to try to not think about it.

I was still tired, but went out to listen to live jazz at Sankta Klara in Gamla Stan and sit in. I had such a good time! I loved the cozy environment and the musicians were excellent. The singer was incredible and from France and I introduced myself and asked to sit in and she said I could start the 2nd set, but then didn't let me. Finally she introduced me and let me sing one song - I sang "Ain't Misbehavin" and it went really well. The owner came up to me afterward and thought I did really well and asked me to come back. He thought she was a bit of a diva and didn't treat me quite fairly by letting me sing just one song. I came home around midnight. It felt really good to go out and do something by myself like that and I felt really relaxed and peaceful and sleepy.

8/9: 

Woke up with anxiety worrying and obsessing around 6 AM and didn't get enough sleep. I meditated for 45 minutes, which helped me get out of bed. We continued watching the "Sound of Music" and I started crying every time they sang. Guess I needed to cry... The moon was in Scorpio, so that might have had some influence. I was sad because everyone I love is spread out all over the world and it seems to be my karma to always be missing someone, ever since I was little and my parents and family were spread out all over the world. No matter where I go, I end up missing someone. I got really used to separating from people and convincing myself I was better off on my own and didn't need anybody, and now I'm more and more starting to accept and open my heart to the fact that we need people and can't do everything on our own.

Then my husband called and was missing me and was stressed out about the idea of me starting massage school so soon and afraid he wouldn't get enough time with me and there were things he needed help with around the house. I was already trying to let go of the idea of massage school because it felt stressful, but also the thought of coming back without a plan felt stressful and I was afraid of becoming lazy, understimulated and depressed. I was really trying to feel if I was ready to go back and take that as the first step and then wait with deciding about school. He suggested I go to Barcelona (or somewhere) for just a couple days at least so it wouldn't feel like such a big deal, if I felt the need to travel more and make the trip feel more complete and experience traveling somewhere on my own.

The weather was really bothering me (it was really cold and blustery!) and that alone made me want to leave.

I got acupuncture at 5 PM and it was a really good treatment. I sat in a massage chair afterward too. I felt super relaxed and meditative and out of it and really just felt like going home. But my mom and I had planned to go visit a couple relatives who lived right there (Louise and Lars) so I figured I would just stop and say hi for a bit. Then I got energy and ended up going to the grocery store with my mom and running around in the cold trying to catch busses and we also stopped by our old home while we were at it and I ended up getting stressed out again. I really should have just gone home to let the treatment have its full effect.

When I got home I went to bed at 10 PM thinking I was tired, but still lay there ruminating for an hour, so I called Nicole who helped me calm down so I could go to sleep.

8/8: 

Had a very easy-going day. Woke up with anxiety around having to make the dreaded decision of where to go to next and trying to plan out my life... I lay in bed for hours thinking about it and looking at flights and doing research. The "safest" and most structured decision would be to stay in Stockholm a couple more weeks, go visit my friends Kelsey and Nicole while they have time off the end of August, come back to Maui and start massage school full-time September 12th. At the same time I feel it is my fear of the unknown that would be leading me to make that decision. It would be nice to get into a routine with school but I am not 100% sure I am ready to make that decision and commit immediately and that it is worth the money and  time. At the same time, I think I can't really make the wrong decision with massage because it's a good skill to have to add variety to my life. It feels a little stressful to have to leave Sweden so soon though. And I don't know when I'll have the chance again to explore other places to live. Starting to feel a bit home sick though and wanting some routine and regularity. The other chance to start school is in March. But if I don't start, I might get stuck in a job that prevents me from having time to do that. My astrologer said that no matter how hard I try right now, I won't be able to figure anything out. Once my Saturn Return starts in April-December next year (a time of change), I'll be in a position to make decisions about everything in my life. Right now is a time for exploring different options. But I'm trying to listen to my inner voice and not be swayed by what anyone else is telling me to do or not do. I took an angel card yesterday and got "Take it easy" (there is no need to rush anything and everything will unfold in time) and when I was drinking tea at Anders and Jill's, the teabag also said "Take it easy". It's just that if I am going to leave in a couple weeks, I need to book the return tickets.

Meditated for an hour with my mom and finally managed to clear my mind (and almost fell asleep) and then took a looooong bath. Still couldn't quite relax.

We went to pick up a spare key from my mom's friend, Björn in the evening (he had been watering the plants while my mom was gone) and he happened to be a Chinese Medicine Practitioner and gave us both a body scan with his machine of our overall health. I usually get acupuncture once a week on Maui and I could tell I needed some help right now, so I asked if he could give me a treatment tomorrow, and he said he had an opening in the evening.

8/7: 

Today I had lunch at Mariatorget with my oldest half-brother Patrik on my father's side. We hadn't seen each other since we were teenagers! He lives in Gothenburg now and was visiting Stockholm over the weekend, so we were lucky to have the chance to see each other. It was very nice to see him in person. We've only chatted a bit on Facebook over the years. Can you see the resemblance? I think we look the most like our father out of all the four kids.

Then I went to Bagarmossen to celebrate my uncle's birthday. My mom came later on.

From left to right: Jonathan (my cousin), Jill (my uncle's wife), Anders (my uncle) and Leon (my cousin).

I talked to my husband for the first time in 10 days (the reception was so bad in Skadom). We miss each other a lot.

I also talked to Jill's father about places to live in Southern Europe that were similar to Maui and he suggested the Portuguese Azores islands (he's from Portugal and has connections) and Madeira. He said a lot of the Southern places get really cold in the winter because the houses aren't equipped for that kind of weather, but these islands have a pretty pleasant climate year round - the summers don't get too hot and the winters don't get too cold. I got inspired to go check it out.