Pneumonia

8/26: 

Woke up at 3 AM coughing (this has been a pattern lately) and then went back to sleep and woke up around 5:45 AM in a cold, wet bed because I'd been sweating so much. I felt very gross... The good news is my fever went down to 36.2, which is the lowest it's been! First sign of improvement!

My appetite was good enough to eat some pasta for lunch (I've been eating mainly fruits and veggies) which gave me more strength. It was such a nice warm day and I wished I could be outside... I leaned out the window for a while which felt really nice. I was able to take a long shower without getting dizzy afterward and I changed my clothes and my mom put new clean sheets on the bed, so I felt a lot more refreshed.

In the evening we finished watching "Mary Poppins".

8/25: 

Not feeling better still, so I went back to the hospital and spent about five hours there. They said my viral load was higher than before, so I got a lung X-ray and a few more tests (which they didn't do last because it was too late at night). They prescribed a different kind of antibiotics and if I don't notice an improvement after two days I need to come back again. It can take 2-3 weeks for me to feel back to normal and even then I might feel weak. So I won't be hopping on a plane anytime soon. Pneumonia takes a toll on the body and it can take a while to recover. Right now my job is basically to rest, drink water, cough up mucous and do things that make me happy :)

My mom and I continued watching "Mary Poppins" in the evening, but I got so feverish, I had to go to bed.

8/24: 

Another beautiful day ~ was able to sit out in the sun and eat for a while. Took all the prescriptions to try to get better so I wouldn't have to go back to the hospital tomorrow. It was a lot of work to keep track of everything! Antibiotics, Advil, Vitamin C, tons of water, inhalator, essential oils, cough medicine and Ultrasonic Nebulizer... We watched Mary Poppins in the evening which made me happy.

8/23: 

Another beautiful sunny day. I leaned out the window for a while in the morning, soaking up the fresh air and sun. Being sick makes you appreciate the small things. I was really enjoying fully being present with the sensation of warm peppermint tea going down my throat and chest. I felt peaceful and my mind was quiet.

Pretty much all of my physical symptoms in my life have been caused by underlying emotional issues. I find it so interesting how the mind, body and spirit are so strongly connected and affected by eachother. The underlying emotional reason for lung problems is fear of life, which is exactly how I was feeling. Once I found out it was pneumonia, and got in touch with the fact I could actually die from this, I realized my fear of life was bigger than my fear of death. Really it's the fear of pain in life. But then I started thinking about all the pleasures I would miss about living... my loved ones, cuddly cats, singing, dancing, the ocean, trees, birds, love, music, laughter, movies, good life-changing books, beauty, sunshine, fireplaces... And I started feeling grateful again. Which I believe is the key to happiness.

Our relative, Louise sent flowers to our door! That made me so happy! So unexpected!

8/22: 

Another sunny day! I was starting to get my voice back. The next three days were free trial days at Balettakademin (try any dance class free), so I was a bit bummed about missing that. 

My fever was higher today and by evening it started to hurt when I took deep breaths and coughed, so we decided to take an über to the hospital around 9 PM. Luckily they took me in immediately and they took good care of me and took tests. Turns out it's pneumonia and I need to take antibiotics for 10 days. If I don't start feeling better after two days, I have to go back to the hospital.

My first time ever having to go to a hospital! (I wasn't even born in one). I'm so lucky I got sick here and not anywhere else on my trip, and that I didn't book a return ticket. I was also lucky I got my renewed passport before I got sick so my visit wasn't so expensive! Seeing all the sick people in the hospital made me feel so much compassion for all the suffering going on in the word.

8/21: 

Still sick but I felt like maybe it was starting to turn around. Day 9. 

Carina came by in the evening with essential oils and Vitamin C and gave me a foot massage. Best Godmother :) Mega Vitamin C doses (10,000-20,000 mg a day) has saved lives. My mom and I watched the Japanese Animation of "Swan Lake".

8/20: 

I woke up at 10 AM from a dream that I lost my purse and looked up the dream symbolism. "It denotes loss of power and control. You may have lost touch with your real identity."

The sun was out again. I was feeling pretty much the same.

Anders brought by an Ultrasonic Nebulizer with Colloidal Silver for me to try for my cough. It helped him when he had pneumonia.

I read, worked on my needle-point, slept and played Othello in the day and watched a movie in the evening.

8/19: 

The sun finally came out! Thank God! My mom and I took an über to the emergency clinic in Axelsberg. We spoke with a nurse who advised I see a doctor because it could lead to pneumonia, in which case I would need antibiotics. The fever was sticking around because there was a virus or bacteria in my chest and I needed to cough it up. Since we would have to go all the way to Huddinge emergency because Axelsberg didn't have any openings, we decided to first get some cough medicine and see how I felt and if I got worse, go see a doctor. 

It was so nice to get some fresh air and sun and it didn't feel as cold as before (I dressed warmer too) and took it slow and didn't get too exhausted from the fever.

Reflecting on the fact that I am responsible for all my choices. Just really getting it. Wow. What a terrifying and exciting insight. It's all about priorities and needs and choosing one experience over another. I don't have to do anything that I don't want. And I can do exactly what I want.

The stress comes from thinking that I have to do something I am not willing to do or that am not ready for, because if I don't, then a (series of) negative consequence(s) might follow and I won't be getting my needs met.

I can let go of these stupid ideas around turning 30 in a couple years and putting pressure on myself to have it together by then and know what I want to do with my life.

I kept asking myself:

"What would feel good right now? What else is possible?"

I felt disappointed because I missed Cullbergbaletten who performed at Vitabergsparken tonight :( I had been looking forward to that.

My mom and I stayed up until 12:30 AM, while I lay in her lap sweating and coughing my guts out, watching "The Horse Whisperer" which I thought was a really beautiful and good movie.