Does Purpose Determine Our Happiness?

What gives you a feeling of purpose? Is it money, helping people, family, making someone smile etc and what are the motives for your purpose? If it is merely greed or survival that drives you, coming from a place of lack or struggle, it won't make you happy. If you have a pattern of not being satisfied, it might drive you to achieve more success, but not necessarily guarantee your happiness. That feeling of restlessness and dissatisfaction is sometimes what makes us create new possibilites and raise our standards.

I believe the key is finding meaning in the small things and simply appreciating life on a daily basis. Happiness is a choice. Practicing gratitude and having a good attitude. We can always find something to complain about and something to be grateful for. So yes, purpose is important, but I don't think it has to determine our happiness.

Life on Maui

Saturday, 12/10/16:

Rain, rain, rain... non-stop rain all day, all over the entire island... We slept in the tent, breathed together first thing in the morning for 10 minutes and then meditated for an hour. Zen went to work and I went to the Powerhouse Gym to try out UJam for the first time (like Zumba, but with Hip Hop music). It was really fun and good inspiration for when I start teaching my Hip Hop class. I ran into one of my old belly-dance students (which has been happening a lot lately - this was the fifth time)! Must be a sign that I need to start teaching again soon... When I came home I contacted a bunch of people to notify them of my new number and let them know I was back on island. Then I went with my neighbor to see the Mary Poppins musical at the Iao Theatre in Wailuku, 2-5 PM. I was a bit disappointed because the movie is so special and the characters - it didn't move me at all. I thought the singing was off-pitch a lot of the time and the costumes looked really cheap. I guess I'm spoiled now, after going to Broadway plays...

Afterward I went to Walmart and Whole Foods and then to Wailuku Coffee House and sat in with Sal Godinez and his trio, 7-9 PM. I sang "Route 66", "Can't Take That Away From Me" and "Fly Me to the Moon". I saw another one of my students and met another really nice singer who also sat in.

Friday, 12/09/16:
We woke up really early and had a long lazy morning in bed. We did laundry, put up more rope lights in the dance space, worked out our triceps and chests and then went to Pita Paradise for our monthly belly-dance gig. It felt really weird putting on my costume and makeup again after not having performed in so long (since before I caught pneumonia). I had to really think, when normally I'm on automatic. Everything came back to me slowly. It was great seeing everyone again and all the waiters are always so nice, loving and calm.

Thursday, 12/08/16:
I gave myself a self-massage with coconut oil when I woke up and Zen and I practiced our eye gazing exercise before he went to work. It was another rainy day and I had a good cry. Once I went through my process I played some Christmas music, cleaned and organized some shelves in the kitchen, did vocal warmups, practiced an N* Sync song ("Bye Bye") for the cover band I'm in, painted my nails and meditated for an hour.

At 5:30-8 PM I went to the weekly "Women Within" circle (a non-profit organization) for the first time in Kahului. I absolutely loved it and felt so inspired afterward! They did exactly what I have been envisioning and wanting to do (except I haven't been super clear on exactly how I want to do it). Basically it's like a women's support group where we just connect and process our stuff. I have been yearning for more deep connections on this island, because I think one of the main underlying reasons people feel dissatisfied and unhappy, is because we feel disconnected from each other and isolated. Social media supports separation and superficial contact. We need more face-to-face and eye-to-eye contact. If you for example go to a party, everyone puts on this facade that they are fine. (Or as my Godmother would say, "FINE=F**ked up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional). I love diving deep immediately. I didn't even know these women, yet I immediately felt welcomed, accepted and understood. They were very grounded, clear and compassionate. Such a good reminder that we are not alone in this world and everyone goes through their stuff and it never ends. We are all in this boat together. Real connection to ourselves and others is what makes life meaningful.

Wednesday, 12/07/16:
I went with my neighbor to volunteer at the Maui Botanical Gardens in Wailuku for a couple hours. There were a lot of locals and we worked with and learned about Hawaiian plants, so it felt nice to experience more of the culture. We cleaned up banana tree roots and re-potted some hibiscus plants. It was my lucky day because they happened to have a volunteer appreciation party with food and gifts. Zen and I had a rough day with a lot of fighting and processing. Our neighbors were fighting too and a couple friends... must have been something astrological or collective stress.

Tuesday, 12/06/16:
We meditated for an hour in the morning and I worked out my biceps. At 12:45 PM I went with my next-door neighbor up to Makawao to volunteer, walking autistic children around on horses. The kids were very sweet and most of them were high-functioning, but it was a little boring actually and a lot of waiting around. I also thought my horse allergy was gone, but it turns out it's still there, just not as bad as it used to be. The funny thing is that the part I enjoyed the most was filling out the paperwork :) Came home around 5:30 PM and went for a walk in Kalama Park and then did vocal warmups.

Monday, 12/05/16:
We meditated for an hour in the morning. Still raining. Then I did yard work, vocal warmups, cleaned a bit, started painting a table outside, prepared Christmas packages and cards and went for a walk in the evening in Kalama Park.

Sunday, 12/04/16:
Did breathing exercises for 15 minutes in the morning and then we went to beach dance (which is like a meditation for me). It was an overcast and mellow day. Zen worked an 11 hour day from 12-11 PM. It was a nice rainy day, so couldn't get much done outside. I did vocal warmups, finally painted my toes which was way overdue, and in the evening Celeste and Jon invited me over to play "Ticket to Ride" and at 9 PM I went to Three's and sat in with Louise Lambert. I sang "Moondance" and "Route 66".

Saturday, 12/03/16:
I slept in until 9 AM and allowed myself to feel lazy and practice non-doing. Zen came home from work around noon and we hung out with the cats. I vacuumed, recycled an old leopard sarong by decorating a shoe box for our computer monitor to stand on, did vocal warmups, went to Ace Hardware and got more yellow roses, went for a walk in Kalama Park, made dinner, gave Zen a massage and we meditated for an hour before bed and slept in the tent.

Friday, 12/02/16:
Got a lot done today and it feels great. Procrastination and indecisiveness of what to do is not a good feeling and it causes anxiety in me. I'm finding it really helps to develop a consistent routine, use my calendar, have to-do lists, decide when to do it in my calendar and the things I don't get done I move to the next day. Time management is so important when I am the one in charge of it. Otherwise I feel scattered and lost.

We meditated in the morning for an hour to this subliminal YouTube video for "Consciousness Connector Theta Supercharger with 3rd Eye Booster":
https://youtu.be/QJImZyWqMWs

I went so deep it was hard to get out of it. I started rocking, almost feeling like I was sleeping. It's amazing what a difference it made for me the whole day. I felt so clam and present and focused. I am really making meditation my number one priority. The way I start my day really affects the rest of my day. I am going to try this subliminal for an hour every morning and I should notice drastic results really quickly.

I did 1.5 hours of yard work from 10:30 AM-12 PM while listening to jazz, had lunch, then did another two hours of yard work between 2-4 PM and vocal warmups. Luckily it was an overcast day, so the temperature was pleasant.

After dinner, Zen and I went to the Grand Opening of "808 Wellness Center" at the Rainbow Mall in Kihei. We saw a lot of people we knew and I got some free body work. We went to Hawaiian Moons, which is completely changed and expanded now, with a juice and sandwich bar!

On the way home we stopped at "Kamaole 1" beach and went for a moon-lit walk. Before bedtime we did a 10-minute eye gazing exercise.

Thursday, 12/01/16:
I started the day meditating for 30 minutes and doing two hours of yard work. At noon I drove into Wailuku and got a way-overdue haircut from Karli Rose at Loft 145, had lunch at Whole Foods, went to Home Depot and had a really good therapy appointment. I was grateful to get an appointment the same day because there was a cancellation. (Normally you have to wait several weeks).

When I came home I went for a walk in Kalama Park and saw a gorgeous sunset and enjoyed having the evening to myself home alone, processing my therapy appointment. Walking while listening to music makes me feel so good and empowered. I love it!

Wednesday, 11/30/16:
We drove to Little Beach and meditated first thing in the morning. Very powerful! I went out and ran errands, did vocal warmups and in the evening I made dinner and Zen gave me a massage.

Tuesday, 11/29/16:
We started the day by driving to Makena Beach and meditating, which was amazing. Zen went in to town and I got things done around the house. I did my vocal warmups, finally unpacked completely, started sorting through the pile of paper work I was behind on and prepared claim letters to get reimbursed from my health insurance for my urgent care visits during my trip. I was reminded of how much I enjoy organizing and doing office work.

Monday, 11/28/16:
We started off mediating for 30 minutes and I went up to the Olinda Forest at 1 PM for a couple hours. I felt overwhelmed and scattered because there was so much that needed to be done and really felt the need to ground myself . I gained so much strength and focus from the forest. I also drove to the Kula Hardware & Nursery to get purple, yellow and white roses for my yard and really enjoyed the drive and experiencing Kula again (while doing my vocal warmups). Then I drove down to Kahului to run errands and got a lot done and felt grounded, focused, happy and present.

Sunday, 11/27/16:
I brought Zen to Beach dance for the first time and he loved it, which made me very happy because I have been trying to get him to go for a long time and it is my favorite thing to do. It is one of the things I missed the most about Maui when I was gone. It combines my three favorite things: music, dance and nature and it's like Sunday church for me and a very spiritual experience. There were 30 people there and we danced in the ocean with waterproof iPods. Coincidentally, the theme for today's dance was "What is our purpose?". During the dance I got more clarity and came to the conclusion that all these occupations we choose are just superficial identities and our real purpose is to work on ourselves. I believe this is why we reincarnate over and over again. Also playing, having fun, being grateful and valuing the things that really matter in life.

Saturday, 11/26/16:
Got up at 7:30 AM and meditated with Zen for an hour. Then I did 1.5 hours of yard work, followed by 15 minutes of yoga. Around noon we drove to the beach in Napili Bay for a couple hours and had a fun ride jamming out to music. When I got back I visited one of my belly-dance students at her house in Maui Meadows for an hour and we went together to "A Goddess Night" jewelry gathering. I got a free psychic mini reading and I got to ask one question. I had a lot of questions, but chose the one that is the most prominent right now: "What is my purpose here (career-wise)?" She pulled two cards: "Freedom" and "Support". She said it will take some time to discover my life purpose and I have a lot of anxiety and my purpose right now is to ground myself and work through those issues so that I can shine. The world is my oyster and the angels want me to know that I have the freedom and support I need to choose whatever I want. No matter what I do, I will be financially successful.

Friday, 11/25/16:
I slept in until 9:30 AM! I meditated for 20 minutes, did some work cleaning and organizing the porch area, designed and ordered new business cards with my new number, worked out my biceps and did vocal warmups. Zen got home from work at 2 PM so we hung out and were lazy in the heat. I went to Safeway and got water and groceries (mainly to be in the A/C!) and caught a beautiful sunset at Kalama Park. I cooked a delicious dinner when I got home while listening to Kurt Elling. Once the sun set and it cooled down I felt like I woke up. We watched "The Color Purple" starring Oprah Winfrey and Woopie Goldberg. It was good, but not as moving as the Broadway play.

Thursday, 11/24/16:

Happy Thanksgiving! We started the day meditating for 40 minutes and then Zen went to work and I went up to Haiku to a couple potlucks. The 1st one was at my friend, Kerry's house and the 2nd was my bellydance teacher, Mirayah's "Sacred Earth Temple". There were a lot of people and good food at Kerry's, but the scene was so dead at Mirayah's... no food left and hardly any people, but it was nice to catch up with Mirayah since I hadn't seen her in a long time - she offered for me to perform on New Year's Eve.

Wednesday, 11/23/16:

We meditated in the morning for 30 minutes. I worked so hard outside from 8 AM-12 PM in the morning doing yard work and improving the space. Felt really good to get it done. Then I got tired and it was hot, so I took it easy. In the evening when it cooled down, we worked out and at 8 PM I took Celeste and Jon to the airport because they were going to Mexico for 10 days. Jon said he has a job opening if I am interested, so we'll talk about it more when they get back.

Tuesday, 11/22/16:

We had a productive morning setting up rope lights in the entrance of my dance space (it looks so cool!!) and I pulled weeds.

Then it got really hot, so we felt really lazy and didn't get anything done. We meditated at 3 PM for 30 minutes and then went to the beach for a short while and sang (it was windy and got chilly... we miss Flamenco Beach!) and watched a movie when we got home. We found out Zen has to work on Thanksgiving which really sucks... I'll have to go to parties on my own... :(

Monday, 11/21/16:

After a week on Maui I started finally feeling like I was here. I really appreciated waking up in the tent, feeling the nice temperature, seeing the tropical plants and hearing the birds chirping and meditated for 30 minutes. The meditation really helped me stay calm and focused all day. 

Zen was off from work for a few days, so we went to Kahului to run errands and had lunch at Whole Foods. When we got home I was productive and finished sorting through my clothes and unpacked my suitcase, we cleaned and in the evening I gave Zen a massage in the tent. The table is always set up there now so we can exchange massages easily.

We stayed up late watching performances from the AMA's (American Music Awards).

Sunday, 11/20/16:

In the morning I went to Alive & Well in Kahului to get probiotics since it was my last day of antibiotics for my ear infection. From there I carpooled with my friend Devaka in her convertible to an event up in Haiku called "Women Within" (for women only). We were late, so we missed most of the intro where they were promoting a retreat and then we danced and had a meal afterward. It was a good way to network because I want to start monthly women's gatherings at my place in Kihei.

I came home in the afternoon and took it easy with my hubby and then we had dinner with our friends Celeste, Jon and Jen and played a board game called "Ticket to Ride". The game was new for all of us, so it was hard in the beginning, but then it became fun.

Saturday, 11/19/16:
I woke up with that initial stressful feeling of, "Time is running out and what am I doing with my life?!" and had to work on calming myself down and breath. Instead of thinking "I don't know and I'll wait until I know" (which I've been trying lately), I'm going to experiment with telling myself, "I know exactly what to do". Even if I don't. It'll be more of an affirmation that opens me up to knowing, rather than being in a state of confusion. One day at a time... So I drove to Laparuz and went for a walk around 8:30 AM. So beautiful! I am definitely enjoying and appreciating Maui more now, which was my goal before I went on my trip. I don't want to take this for granted. I am getting to know myself better and what I need to be happiest, so maybe I'm the type of person who needs a morning routine before I start my day. Meditation and nature is so important.

I felt more grounded when I got home and more clear of my goals. I need to get caught up from my trip, fix things up around the house so I can start teaching classes again and have events and then look for a parttime job. I continued sorting through my clothes, painted my nails (I hadn't done nail art in a long time) and danced and sang. At 5 PM, Zen and I went to our next-door neighbors potluck. It was fun to socialize and connect more with our other neighbors as well. My biceps were so sore, I couldn't even stretch my arms out all the way!

Friday, 11/18/16:
I started off meditating for 30 minutes. Then I allowed myself to just forget about everything, rest and sleep in until 10 AM, which felt so nice and relaxing. I find it harder to relax when I'm at home (as opposed to on vacation) because I always feel like I should be getting things done. Sometimes we just need to tell that "should" voice to shut up. I spent the day unpacking and sorting through my clothes and got a lot done, but didn't finish. I did my vocal warmups too. My voice teacher recommended I do them twice a day for 20 minutes. Luckily the temperature was pleasant but in the afternoon it got too hot, so I drove up to the Olinda Forest at 4 PM. I saw so many horses and white cows. So nourishing and I love it when it's sunny and you can see the sun glistening through the trees!

On the way home I stopped at Costco which felt fun because I haven't been there in so long. Everyone's so friendly. They've definitely expanded their organic selection since I've been gone, which is great! I made us dinner when I got home and Sammy voluntarily wanted to sit in my lap, which made me so happy because she hasn't done that in a long time. 

Thursday, 11/17/16:
Today was a productive day. Started off meditating for 20 minutes. I got a lot of cleaning and yard work done around the house and catching up after being gone for so long while Zen was at work. It always sucks coming back from a trip and having to deal with everything you're behind with. It takes discipline. It's kind of a downer coming back after a fun trip and having to face real life. Luckily the weather was cooler. I started sorting through clothes and getting rid of things. I haven't even unpacked yet. Traveling makes you realize how little possessions you need. I also did vocal warmups, danced and worked out my biceps.

Wednesday, 11/16/16:
I felt really sad and depressed in the morning because I missed my bestie Nicole. Life on Maui feels empty without her. It was so great when she was living 5 minutes away and we could see each other all the time. We left Maui at the same time and coming back now it's just not the same. So I cried and rested... In the afternoon Zen and I went up to my favorite place in the world: the Olinda forest. Exactly what I needed... Whenever I go up there I am guaranteed to feel good. The energy is so grounding, sacred, magical and special up there. Like no other place I've been. Because it was the road I lived on the longest as a child (4 years), it's where I feel the most at home. I'd like to make it a goal to go up there three times a week.

On the way back down to Kihei we had dinner in Paia at one of our favorite places, Cafe Des Amis. We also shopped at Mana Foods. I enjoyed experiencing all of it again and I always loved Paia at nighttime. I also enjoyed the contrast of coming back down to Kihei (which I also love at nighttime) and we slept in the tent again. Nicole called and said she will be visiting Maui in January or February! That made me happy! Hopefully she can come for my birthday :)

Tuesday, 11/15/16:
I started the day doing breathing exercises. Then went to Kahului to run errands and have lunch at Whole Foods. I really hate Kahului... after working there for 3.5 years I am still sick of it. In the afternoon, Zen and I went to Makena beach. We were a bit spoiled now after Culebra. The water felt cold in comparison... I was hoping I'd appreciate it more and felt disappointed. In the evening we watched "Magic Mike 2".

Monday, 11/14/16:
We slept in the tent for the first time that my hubby had set up when I was gone.

He also surprised me by installing a brand new bathroom sink and a new carpet in the bedroom.

I was surprised at how hot Kihei was! I wasn't expecting that for November and was quite disappointed because usually the temperature is very pleasant this time of year. It's hard to get things done when it's hot and it's easy to get lazy.

I didn't feel like I was quite here yet. After being gone for so long it took some time to adjust to old routines, remembering where things go and which light switches control what, etc... I spent my first day on Maui cleaning, doing laundry and yard work while my hubby was at work. It felt good to have things that needed to be done after having a 5-month vacation. I was curious to see how my cats would react after not seeing me for so long... if they would be angry or scared. Tinky acted as if nothing had changed, but Sammy who is more skittish stayed away and I was fortunate enough to get a sniff on the hand.

In the evening I went to my hubby's job at the Kea Lani to check out the live concert by the "Kalama Brothers" under the full moon.

The Journey is Complete

I don't feel that same fear of life and the unknown as I did when I got pneumonia. I am so happy I didn't follow the fear-based decision of going to massage school before I knew what I really wanted to do, and that my pneumonia stopped me from doing it and instead forced me to stay put and do some deep inner work and relaxation and continue on this journey. I am happy Jill's father inspired me to go to Madeira before I got sick and that even though I wasn't planning on going because it was too expensive, I found that cheap last-minute deal. The psychic told me Zen might join me at some point on this journey when the timing was right, and it was perfect and a nice surprise.

This journey has been such a good teacher in learning to trust in the Universal plan. I cannot make the wrong decision because no matter which way I choose, things will turn out exactly as they are supposed to. It's like the GPS navigator - if you get lost, it finds another way to get you to your destination.

I have gained a stronger belief in myself, a deeper sense of inner independence and freedom, reconnected with loved ones and made new connections, gained new inspiration, gotten to know myself better, worked through fear and practiced trusting. I am excited to see how I will choose to design my life from here on. Let the new beginnings start! The last cards in the tarot reading I got from the psychic before I left Maui were "Triumphant Success" and "Victory & Success". It HAS been a success!

I thank you for following along on this adventure and hope it has been inspiring for you. Feel free to share your reflections in the comments section below. Aloha!

Where is Home?

Reflecting upon the question, "Where is home?" Is it where your possessions are? Possessions are just things weighing you down... Is it where your cats are? Is it where you feel the most familiar and speak the language? Is it where your family is? Is it where your partner is? Is it where your best friends are? A house is really just a place with walls. Is home simply inside of us? Having moved and traveled so much in my life and having all my loved ones spread out all over the world and constantly separating from people and missing people, this is and has always been a question of mine.

My Thoughts On Happiness

9/18:

Watched a Non-violent Communication workshop on Youtube today with Dr. Marshall Rosenberg (who wrote the book I read). 

Here are the links:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qwy5Cuv7Zuw 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cRmP2l0vRZM#t=52.430113 

I am so utterly impressed with this guy and he clarified and covered a lot that he didn't in his book. I feel so grateful for the NVC method because it gives me tools for improving my relationships (both with myself and other people), questioning and becoming aware of my thought processes and self-talk, developing deeper listening skills, more compassion, understanding, connection, love, inner peace, assertiveness, boundaries and intimacy. All these things are useful to me to benefit my happiness. 

I grew up in a New Age family and was introduced to ideas and theories about "enlightenment" at a very young age; TOO young in my opinion for it to be useful information and not misinterpreted. In some ways it interfered with my life negatively and in other ways positively. Overall, I don't see the point in attaining "enlightenment". How is that useful for living your life in the "real world" in a physical body with physical and emotional needs (basically being human)? When I try to read books by Eckhart Tolle for example, I feel frustrated because I just don't get much out of it. I believe this mentality can also create a certain amount of ego and separation between people through thoughts of superiority and judgment, just like any man-made religion. However, getting in touch with our needs and feelings and understanding how to meet them (my description of NVC in a nutshell) is so necessary for truly becoming an accountable and responsible adult. 

This leads me to think about happiness and Buddhism's mentality that the way to end suffering is to diminish desire. My interpetation of that statement is, "Suffering is bad, desire is bad, and without these two things you will be happy". But isn't suffering just a part of life and a gateway to happiness? Suffering helps us appreciate the good times. 

Many of us learn early on to ignore our feelings and true needs, act like everything is fine (to avoid rocking the boat or being called needy and/or selfish/self-absorbed), do what we're told whether we want to or not, ignore our passions to survive and feel safe and blend in with the crowd. Does that make us happy? I believe not. Knowing what we want, feeling desire and meeting that desire can improve our lives and give us pleasure. I believe the root to unhappiness is our ATTACHMENT to happiness and the ways that we try to AVOID pain instead of feeling it. We all have different strategies for escaping; for example numbing ourselves emotionally, being defensive in all kinds of ways, being in denial, blaming others/surroundings/situations, and one of the biggest ones being addiction. I've always been the kind of person who tries to avoid anything addicting, but now I am starting to think that a certain amount of addiction or distraction is ok, as long as it is not self-destructive and/or ruining your life. There is something really satisfying and liberating about selfishly giving in to your animal needs and giving yourself what you want, that makes you feel exuberantly alive. Why, maybe even trying to reach enlightenment is way to try to avoid pain? 

Then there is also pain that can be necessary and healthy to avoid. If a certain situation or person is causing you too much pain, you can choose to avoid it and meet your need for happiness and peace in some other way. Some pain we need to accept, such as from childhood, in which case "The only way out is through", to quote John DeRuiter.

I am at a point in my life where I am not sure what I desire and that does not bring me happiness. Or more accurately, my attitude to not knowing what I want does not bring me happiness. For me, there is a fulfillment in having direction and a sense of purpose in life. Dissatisfaction and desire for improvement can motivate us to grow and challenge ourselves. 

So in conclusion, here are my thoughts: The first step is getting in touch with our needs. The next step is meeting them. Then realizing that no matter how hard we try to be happy and satisfied by meeting our needs, we won't be permanently content. And that's ok because happiness is a feeling, and feelings come and go.

I think the solution is being grateful for what we have, accepting and enjoying the present moment, AND also being open to ways we can improve things, without being attached to a certain outcome. It is also important to realize our limits/weaknesses and when our expectations are unrealistic, OR when we are not believing in ourselves enough and underestimating our power and worthiness to have what we desire.

Thank you for reading and I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments section below.

Pneumonia

8/26: 

Woke up at 3 AM coughing (this has been a pattern lately) and then went back to sleep and woke up around 5:45 AM in a cold, wet bed because I'd been sweating so much. I felt very gross... The good news is my fever went down to 36.2, which is the lowest it's been! First sign of improvement!

My appetite was good enough to eat some pasta for lunch (I've been eating mainly fruits and veggies) which gave me more strength. It was such a nice warm day and I wished I could be outside... I leaned out the window for a while which felt really nice. I was able to take a long shower without getting dizzy afterward and I changed my clothes and my mom put new clean sheets on the bed, so I felt a lot more refreshed.

In the evening we finished watching "Mary Poppins".

8/25: 

Not feeling better still, so I went back to the hospital and spent about five hours there. They said my viral load was higher than before, so I got a lung X-ray and a few more tests (which they didn't do last because it was too late at night). They prescribed a different kind of antibiotics and if I don't notice an improvement after two days I need to come back again. It can take 2-3 weeks for me to feel back to normal and even then I might feel weak. So I won't be hopping on a plane anytime soon. Pneumonia takes a toll on the body and it can take a while to recover. Right now my job is basically to rest, drink water, cough up mucous and do things that make me happy :)

My mom and I continued watching "Mary Poppins" in the evening, but I got so feverish, I had to go to bed.

8/24: 

Another beautiful day ~ was able to sit out in the sun and eat for a while. Took all the prescriptions to try to get better so I wouldn't have to go back to the hospital tomorrow. It was a lot of work to keep track of everything! Antibiotics, Advil, Vitamin C, tons of water, inhalator, essential oils, cough medicine and Ultrasonic Nebulizer... We watched Mary Poppins in the evening which made me happy.

8/23: 

Another beautiful sunny day. I leaned out the window for a while in the morning, soaking up the fresh air and sun. Being sick makes you appreciate the small things. I was really enjoying fully being present with the sensation of warm peppermint tea going down my throat and chest. I felt peaceful and my mind was quiet.

Pretty much all of my physical symptoms in my life have been caused by underlying emotional issues. I find it so interesting how the mind, body and spirit are so strongly connected and affected by eachother. The underlying emotional reason for lung problems is fear of life, which is exactly how I was feeling. Once I found out it was pneumonia, and got in touch with the fact I could actually die from this, I realized my fear of life was bigger than my fear of death. Really it's the fear of pain in life. But then I started thinking about all the pleasures I would miss about living... my loved ones, cuddly cats, singing, dancing, the ocean, trees, birds, love, music, laughter, movies, good life-changing books, beauty, sunshine, fireplaces... And I started feeling grateful again. Which I believe is the key to happiness.

Our relative, Louise sent flowers to our door! That made me so happy! So unexpected!

8/22: 

Another sunny day! I was starting to get my voice back. The next three days were free trial days at Balettakademin (try any dance class free), so I was a bit bummed about missing that. 

My fever was higher today and by evening it started to hurt when I took deep breaths and coughed, so we decided to take an über to the hospital around 9 PM. Luckily they took me in immediately and they took good care of me and took tests. Turns out it's pneumonia and I need to take antibiotics for 10 days. If I don't start feeling better after two days, I have to go back to the hospital.

My first time ever having to go to a hospital! (I wasn't even born in one). I'm so lucky I got sick here and not anywhere else on my trip, and that I didn't book a return ticket. I was also lucky I got my renewed passport before I got sick so my visit wasn't so expensive! Seeing all the sick people in the hospital made me feel so much compassion for all the suffering going on in the word.

8/21: 

Still sick but I felt like maybe it was starting to turn around. Day 9. 

Carina came by in the evening with essential oils and Vitamin C and gave me a foot massage. Best Godmother :) Mega Vitamin C doses (10,000-20,000 mg a day) has saved lives. My mom and I watched the Japanese Animation of "Swan Lake".

8/20: 

I woke up at 10 AM from a dream that I lost my purse and looked up the dream symbolism. "It denotes loss of power and control. You may have lost touch with your real identity."

The sun was out again. I was feeling pretty much the same.

Anders brought by an Ultrasonic Nebulizer with Colloidal Silver for me to try for my cough. It helped him when he had pneumonia.

I read, worked on my needle-point, slept and played Othello in the day and watched a movie in the evening.

8/19: 

The sun finally came out! Thank God! My mom and I took an über to the emergency clinic in Axelsberg. We spoke with a nurse who advised I see a doctor because it could lead to pneumonia, in which case I would need antibiotics. The fever was sticking around because there was a virus or bacteria in my chest and I needed to cough it up. Since we would have to go all the way to Huddinge emergency because Axelsberg didn't have any openings, we decided to first get some cough medicine and see how I felt and if I got worse, go see a doctor. 

It was so nice to get some fresh air and sun and it didn't feel as cold as before (I dressed warmer too) and took it slow and didn't get too exhausted from the fever.

Reflecting on the fact that I am responsible for all my choices. Just really getting it. Wow. What a terrifying and exciting insight. It's all about priorities and needs and choosing one experience over another. I don't have to do anything that I don't want. And I can do exactly what I want.

The stress comes from thinking that I have to do something I am not willing to do or that am not ready for, because if I don't, then a (series of) negative consequence(s) might follow and I won't be getting my needs met.

I can let go of these stupid ideas around turning 30 in a couple years and putting pressure on myself to have it together by then and know what I want to do with my life.

I kept asking myself:

"What would feel good right now? What else is possible?"

I felt disappointed because I missed Cullbergbaletten who performed at Vitabergsparken tonight :( I had been looking forward to that.

My mom and I stayed up until 12:30 AM, while I lay in her lap sweating and coughing my guts out, watching "The Horse Whisperer" which I thought was a really beautiful and good movie.

Where to Now?

8/18: 

Full moon in Aquarius, which usually brings up a lot of stuff to the surface that needs to be released, especially if it's in your sign (which it is for me). Raining... Felt worse physically (Day 7 of fever and cough!) but better emotionally and mentally. My mind was quieter and I started feeling happy. I was able to take a nice long shower and really enjoy every moment of it. I had been sweating so much and hadn't had the energy to shower in three days. Afterward I felt faint and my heart started pounding, so I ate and felt better. I was able to get the internet working again (yay!). And I got really excited because the cover band I'm in finally added a Backstreet Boys song! 

This is really like a workshop/retreat for me and very necessary. I've decided to not think anymore about career or pushing myself beyond my fears to go traveling more or trying to figure anything out and just be present and do what feels good. Actually, I'm not sure it's a fear of traveling... just resistance to planning and not feeling inspired. The only fear is regretting it if I don't. I told Kelsey to reserve August 28th-31st for me to come see her (in which case I have to leave August 26th), but to not get her hopes up. My flight credit to Vancouver is good until May next year, so I could always pay her a visit later. Blessie invited me visit her next week if I feel better. Nicole wants me to come before September 19th because she might start school, but that is not definite. So there is not much pressure now. My job does not have to be my purpose in life. If I go back to an office job, so be it, it's just money and not my identity. Good relationships and friendships are the priority for happiness I believe. There is a time for everything and I don't have to push. Honor when I am not able to perform at my full potential and be on top. There is no need to rush. Just enjoy this moment. And this moment. And this moment. Just staring out the window, not going anywhere and not doing anything will not make me depressed if I am present. I can find beauty in everything. Even if I search for a peaceful and quiet place outside of myself, I will not hear the silence if my mind is clouded with loud chatter, negativity and fear. It could always be better and it could always be worse. Everything is temporary - the highs and the lows. Feeling very grateful. The answer to the question, "Where to now?" is... "Nowhere".

"Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it's called the present." ~ Bill Keane

8/17: 

Still not getting better... We should get me to the doctor soon, once I am strong enough to go out in the cold. Raining... Missing my husband and best friend, Nicole. I felt so frustrated, stuck, sick of not being able to talk, needing to move, get fresh air, but I was sick of the cold gloomy weather and I wanted to leave Sweden but didn't know where to. It was a good exercise in accepting your emotions and everything that comes up without trying to run away. As if that wasn't enough, I lost internet for some reason. The lessons continue... more non-doing and just witnessing, being and letting go of control. If we constantly acted on our feelings when things felt uncomfortable, kept searching for happiness and something better, we would constantly be on the run. My mom spooned me for a while, which opened up my heart and I started crying. I got this angel card: "Bright future - stop worrying. Everything will be fine".

8/16: 

Was so out of it, I couldn't blog. Klara came over and spent the night. Not talking is such a good exercise in listening, observing your thoughts and not feeling pressure to say anything (which I normally feel in social situations). You notice how important communication is to have good relationships, so that people don't take things personally especially when you are sick, and can't show much facial expression or enthusiasm.

8/15: 

Fever was high today and I lost my voice because of my cough and had to write things down if I needed to say something. I managed to get up, take a shower, wash my hair, change and tidy up a bit, but then my fever went up. My mom invited a couple friends over and it was so nice have some company even though I couldn't parttake in the socializing. I was so happy to receive the love and chrystalized ginger and raspberries, I started crying.

I felt so much anxiety and just wanting to hide from my life and the world, stay sick and let my mom take care of me. Felt afraid of everything. Fear of independece, fear of dependence, fear of failure, fear of life, fear of responsibilty, fear of irresponsibility, fear of freedom, fear of captivity... the only thing I could think of that I wasn't afraid of was pleasure. Laughter. Fun. I was realizing that my physical home was not enough to make me feel at home inside, my posessions were just things, my job is just something I do, my parents were just people who brought me into the world and I am responsible for my own life and my decisions... My soul came into this life alone and will leave alone. It is all up to ME. The only thing getting in my way is ME. I am my own worst enemy and my own best friend. My choice.

Makes me think of my favorite Pink song: "Don't let me get me ~ I'm my own worst enemy ~ It's bad when you annoy yourself ~ So irritating ~ Don't wanna be my friend no more ~ I wanna be somebody else"

Then I thought, "Well, I don't want to let fear run my life, so I have to face it to get rid of it". But no matter which way I go, I would be facing my fears. Fear can also be a good motivator to take action - when the fear of one consequence becomes greater than another. Yes, I think it is good to face fear but it is also OK to do things that feel safe. It's like when I was trying acro-yoga for the first time, I felt scared and the guy that was basing me said, "Ok, we'll wait until you're not scared then". Or when I snorkeled for the first time and got scared, I started swimming back and once I started relaxing because I knew I would be safe, I started enjoying it and was able to go back out in the water. I am constantly facing my fears and I need to give myself credit for that. I don't have to feel like a failure if I don't. Exposure Therapy is good yes, but the key is taking your time, setting a goal and then dividing it up into smaller steps. In the beginning you feel the most fear, but overtime it gets easier. Just like when I worked on getting over my performance anxiety. It's still work to this day, but it gets easier. Right now, I just need to do things (anything!) that feel safe, have patience with myself, and allow myself to be an insecure and scared little child. I don't have to do anything that I don't want to. I don't have to please anybody (including myself or my future self) and I don't have to live up to my own or anyone else's standards.

8/14: 

Woke up feeling stressed, trying to figure out a new plan. My anxiety seems the worst in the mornings right now. I thought to myself, if worse comes to worse, I'll just have to settle for another office job, but I have so much resistance to that thought. I think my resistance will motivate me to come up with another solution. When you are forced to lie in bed and not go anywhere, you are really forced to face your inner demons and work through your stuff. I guess this is why some people have become enlightened in jail. I prayed for the Universe to show me the way and I was listening to a subliminal for relief from Post-traumatic stress/relaxation music with Binaural beats and then following that, a guided meditation for detachment from Over-thinking came on which was exactly what I needed and got me to relax. It's really about being the observer to your thoughts. All the worry is self-created by thoughts and the thoughts trigger emotional stress. Then my mom put some jazz music on, which felt really nice. This non-talking exercise felt kind of nice too, like a Vipassana retreat. 

When I talked to Nicole the other night, she said there would be a training program starting in January next year in Maui called "Mission Be", a non-profit teaching mindfulness in schools. I think that is one of the most meaningful things you can do if you want to benefit the world and the new generation. When I met Doreen Virtue on Maui, I asked her what my life purpose was and she said she saw me teaching kids (dance). I said I didn't really like kids, but she said these were good kids around the age of 9-11. I do love to teach. And because meditation is such a big part of my work on myself right now, it could benefit me to learn more about it. I am super interested in Ayurveda too, but as a career I'm not sure it's for me. Doreen thought it would drive me crazy having to listen to people's problems all day and focus on illness.

I was really happy I let go of the massage idea. I chatted with my friend Debbie last night and she said, "That's hard work Isa, hard on you and they don't pay that much if you have to pay your own taxes etc. And stinky guys, lots of hair ugh... and they'd probably get a boner lol". I love how Debbie is so clear and direct.

"Where to now?" feels like such a stressful question for me, along with the pressures of society of always having to know where to go and what to do, but I guess the key is focusing on the "now" part. And like my Godmother taught me when I was 18 and about to venture out into the world: "Not knowing is ok. Just wait until you know."

This has been my view the past few days.

8/13: 

Woke up with more energy, the fever had gone down but my cough was worse and was starting to affect my vocal cords, so I decided to not talk too much. Anders and Jill invited us over and said Jonathan wanted to make dinner for us in the evening, and I was hoping I would feel well enough, but later on my fever went up and I just slept and stayed in bed. My mom and I watched an episode of "Madicken" (a Swedish kids program from when I was little). I always feel like watching kids shows and Disney movies when I'm sick. My fever was up to 38.4 °C by evening. We also watched the beginning of "Notting Hill".

I was so happy I didn't have any mucous and was really enjoying being allowed to be sick and relax and surrender. I got more clarity on massage school once I surrendered to the idea of not making it home on time, and looked deeper at the underlying fear of the unknown, my concern of making the wrong choice, trying to meet everybody's schedules and desires, and not knowing what else to do and resistance to even wanting to THINK about what else to do. I also downloaded an anatomy app to test how interested I really was and very quickly realized I wasn't passionate enough to commit and do the work. At least right now.

When Björn (the acupuncturist) did muscle testing on me, he said my subconsciousness wanted to keep traveling. I guess he was right. I started feeling inspired again. Since I don't have a "safe" and predictable plan when I return anyway, I might as well take the risk when I'm ready. And then I can take my time going back home. Like John Lennon said, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans". Life isn't safe and predictable - safety comes from an inner knowing that no matter what happens, it's ok.

8/12: 

I got enough sleep but felt groggy and spacey. I was planning on taking a bunch of dance classes at Balettakademin and then have dinner with Blessie at an Indian restaurant. I rested for a bit and didn't feel like going anywhere but then I brought some lunch to Winterviken and lay on the bridge in the sun. It was windy and cold. Then I went to Odenplan and stopped by Vasaparken and my old school, Vasa Real (4th to 9th grade).

I took a Ballet class at 6 PM at Balettakademin and halfway through, I started feeling feverish and left 30 minutes early and canceled my plans with Blessie and told her I can visit her in Uppsala next week depending on how I feel. It was a beginners class, so I was wondering why I felt so spaced out and stupid because I couldn't even follow something that was so slow and easy that I'm usually good at. Then I realized it was the fever. 

I was proud of myself for so quickly setting boundaries and taking care of myself, when normally I get so stressed out about the things I'll be missing and the people I'll be letting down and won't even admit to myself that I'm sick etc., but overtime I've finally learned that it always works out and happens for a reason and you can find other solutions.

Balettakademin

So there you go! My body's way of saying let go, trust and relax. I did some shopping on the way home to prepare if I got really sick. It was so blustery and cold. Craving fruits and veggies. My temperature was 38.2 °C when I came home and I had a pretty bad cough, but no other symptoms and it was so nice having my mom stroking my hair and making me fruit salad. The past couple times I got sick I was so sad to not have my mom there. We all just want our moms when we get sick, right? I felt so grateful because it felt so relaxing to have a fever and really quieted the mind down. Almost like a drug. 

8/11: 

Woke up at 5 AM hot with anxiety, despite the fact I felt relaxed before I went to sleep. I did a lot of work to relax and called Carina who helped me feel better. I can't run away from my anxiety and process, it's all inside of me. She suggested getting out of the apartment and said I could come over Saturday and maybe spend the night. I went to get my passport and then the bank and then went to Winterviken because I felt the need to be somewhere in nature. I ate and lay in the sun on the bridge (it was finally sunny again!). I had low appetite but once I managed to get the food down I felt much more grounded.

My decision for now is to leave on the 18th or 19th next week and then come home earlier around the 1st of Sept and then I can feel out on the way if I want to go to school. The thought of traveling more feels like too much right now and I have no desire to see new things. Either way I need to relax and get back to balance before I jump on a flight anywhere. I took a sleeping pill to make sure I got caught up on sleep.

8/10: 

I woke up early again around 6 AM, without enough sleep, still thoughts spinning around in my head and anxiety and feeling depressed. I felt like I really wanted to book the return flights so I could stop thinking about it. I did some research and then I breathed and moved and listened to subliminals for a couple hours, which helped me feel better and then I pushed myself to go out in the cold to run a few errands even though I was feeling tired and low. I came home to drop off some things and was planning on going back out to run some more errands, but let go of all the "shoulds" and decided to lay down and rest. I didn't fall asleep, but I was able to let go of all the decision making and trying to please anybody and relax. While I was out, my childhood friend Blessie who I was planning on seeing this weekend in Uppsala, said she quit her summer job and got offered a new job this weekend and would have time to see me Friday night instead, but would be off all of next week. So... while I was laying there resting I suddenly thought of the half-crazy idea that we could go to Barcelona for a couple days together next week. I threw it out there and she was open to the idea and all of a sudden I felt inspired to look at hotels and flights. She said she would look up last-minute flights as well. I finally felt better and started thinking more positively. Rest was good for me. For now, I'm going to try to not think about it.

I was still tired, but went out to listen to live jazz at Sankta Klara in Gamla Stan and sit in. I had such a good time! I loved the cozy environment and the musicians were excellent. The singer was incredible and from France and I introduced myself and asked to sit in and she said I could start the 2nd set, but then didn't let me. Finally she introduced me and let me sing one song - I sang "Ain't Misbehavin" and it went really well. The owner came up to me afterward and thought I did really well and asked me to come back. He thought she was a bit of a diva and didn't treat me quite fairly by letting me sing just one song. I came home around midnight. It felt really good to go out and do something by myself like that and I felt really relaxed and peaceful and sleepy.

8/9: 

Woke up with anxiety worrying and obsessing around 6 AM and didn't get enough sleep. I meditated for 45 minutes, which helped me get out of bed. We continued watching the "Sound of Music" and I started crying every time they sang. Guess I needed to cry... The moon was in Scorpio, so that might have had some influence. I was sad because everyone I love is spread out all over the world and it seems to be my karma to always be missing someone, ever since I was little and my parents and family were spread out all over the world. No matter where I go, I end up missing someone. I got really used to separating from people and convincing myself I was better off on my own and didn't need anybody, and now I'm more and more starting to accept and open my heart to the fact that we need people and can't do everything on our own.

Then my husband called and was missing me and was stressed out about the idea of me starting massage school so soon and afraid he wouldn't get enough time with me and there were things he needed help with around the house. I was already trying to let go of the idea of massage school because it felt stressful, but also the thought of coming back without a plan felt stressful and I was afraid of becoming lazy, understimulated and depressed. I was really trying to feel if I was ready to go back and take that as the first step and then wait with deciding about school. He suggested I go to Barcelona (or somewhere) for just a couple days at least so it wouldn't feel like such a big deal, if I felt the need to travel more and make the trip feel more complete and experience traveling somewhere on my own.

The weather was really bothering me (it was really cold and blustery!) and that alone made me want to leave.

I got acupuncture at 5 PM and it was a really good treatment. I sat in a massage chair afterward too. I felt super relaxed and meditative and out of it and really just felt like going home. But my mom and I had planned to go visit a couple relatives who lived right there (Louise and Lars) so I figured I would just stop and say hi for a bit. Then I got energy and ended up going to the grocery store with my mom and running around in the cold trying to catch busses and we also stopped by our old home while we were at it and I ended up getting stressed out again. I really should have just gone home to let the treatment have its full effect.

When I got home I went to bed at 10 PM thinking I was tired, but still lay there ruminating for an hour, so I called Nicole who helped me calm down so I could go to sleep.

8/8: 

Had a very easy-going day. Woke up with anxiety around having to make the dreaded decision of where to go to next and trying to plan out my life... I lay in bed for hours thinking about it and looking at flights and doing research. The "safest" and most structured decision would be to stay in Stockholm a couple more weeks, go visit my friends Kelsey and Nicole while they have time off the end of August, come back to Maui and start massage school full-time September 12th. At the same time I feel it is my fear of the unknown that would be leading me to make that decision. It would be nice to get into a routine with school but I am not 100% sure I am ready to make that decision and commit immediately and that it is worth the money and  time. At the same time, I think I can't really make the wrong decision with massage because it's a good skill to have to add variety to my life. It feels a little stressful to have to leave Sweden so soon though. And I don't know when I'll have the chance again to explore other places to live. Starting to feel a bit home sick though and wanting some routine and regularity. The other chance to start school is in March. But if I don't start, I might get stuck in a job that prevents me from having time to do that. My astrologer said that no matter how hard I try right now, I won't be able to figure anything out. Once my Saturn Return starts in April-December next year (a time of change), I'll be in a position to make decisions about everything in my life. Right now is a time for exploring different options. But I'm trying to listen to my inner voice and not be swayed by what anyone else is telling me to do or not do. I took an angel card yesterday and got "Take it easy" (there is no need to rush anything and everything will unfold in time) and when I was drinking tea at Anders and Jill's, the teabag also said "Take it easy". It's just that if I am going to leave in a couple weeks, I need to book the return tickets.

Meditated for an hour with my mom and finally managed to clear my mind (and almost fell asleep) and then took a looooong bath. Still couldn't quite relax.

We went to pick up a spare key from my mom's friend, Björn in the evening (he had been watering the plants while my mom was gone) and he happened to be a Chinese Medicine Practitioner and gave us both a body scan with his machine of our overall health. I usually get acupuncture once a week on Maui and I could tell I needed some help right now, so I asked if he could give me a treatment tomorrow, and he said he had an opening in the evening.

8/7: 

Today I had lunch at Mariatorget with my oldest half-brother Patrik on my father's side. We hadn't seen each other since we were teenagers! He lives in Gothenburg now and was visiting Stockholm over the weekend, so we were lucky to have the chance to see each other. It was very nice to see him in person. We've only chatted a bit on Facebook over the years. Can you see the resemblance? I think we look the most like our father out of all the four kids.

Then I went to Bagarmossen to celebrate my uncle's birthday. My mom came later on.

From left to right: Jonathan (my cousin), Jill (my uncle's wife), Anders (my uncle) and Leon (my cousin).

I talked to my husband for the first time in 10 days (the reception was so bad in Skadom). We miss each other a lot.

I also talked to Jill's father about places to live in Southern Europe that were similar to Maui and he suggested the Portuguese Azores islands (he's from Portugal and has connections) and Madeira. He said a lot of the Southern places get really cold in the winter because the houses aren't equipped for that kind of weather, but these islands have a pretty pleasant climate year round - the summers don't get too hot and the winters don't get too cold. I got inspired to go check it out.

Growing, Shedding, Living, Loving

I worry too much. Trying to plan and figure everything out. Every single step. I want to grow, I want to shed, I want to live, I want to love. I know that the more I let go on this trip and don’t plan too much, the more I’ll get the answers I need regarding life path, career, where to live in the world, relationships… Get in touch with my wild fearless animal self. Just like when I came to Maui and was open to experiences – not labeling anything as good or bad… not being afraid of making a mistake. Not knowing the next step is the scariest but also the most exhilarating thing. I know the Universe has something big planned for me. I can feel it.