It's Happening

Wednesday, February 8, 2017: 

Well folks, it's happening. I am following my inspiration and practicing trusting and it's working. I wanted to see if Maui would open her doors to me when I flew back to the nest after my trip, and she is. 

The morning of my 29th birthday, I found out I got a job teaching "Creative Movement" at Horizon's Academy in Kihei, to kids with special needs. I was referred to MAPA by my friend who recently returned to the islands. She happened to be at my Bellydance gig at the Mana Kai. I am getting good feedback from the caretakers that the kids are doing things they normally can't do, smiling more and concentrating better. It makes my heart happy and adds meaning to my life that I am making a difference. Every time I teach, I am reminded of how much I enjoy it and it's simply this feeling of, "YES! This is it." 

The evening of my birthday I was contacted out of the blue by my 3rd grade teacher. She is now the director of "Turnaround Arts Hawaii", Hawaii's first public arts integration school. She said she could introduce me to the director of Maui Dance Council!
http://mauiarts.org/arts_education 

I also got in with Hawaii Princess Party. They are just starting to expand from the Big Island to Maui.
http://www.hawaiiprincessparty.com/

These are my Ariel, Rapunzel and Tinkerbell looks:

In the past I have been motivated by ego, seeking recognition and approval through performing and being on stage. I have been motivated by fear of not having financial security and thinking that the meaning of life is paying your bills. I am really learning to trust that even if I don't know how something will work out, it always does in the perfect time. When fear no longer motivates you, inspiration does. An astrologer told me a big part of my life path and purpose is moving from being a receiver, to a giver. Saturn return, here I come!

I also made a new friend who is my age, lives really close to my street and coincidentally happens to be from Santa Barbara! She is a speech therapist and currently working with an autistic child.

Working With My Inner Child

I've been feeling called lately to work with kids. In my meditation this morning I felt it stronger than ever and took a few angel cards. Sure enough, this is what I got:

The card to the far left is the one I got when I met Doreen Virtue and she said she saw me teaching kids in the future. The card to the far right is about being called to work with kids and do inner child healing.

The thing is I never liked kids that much - I always found them annoying and abnoxious. With Nicole leaving and triggering that wounded child in me, I started making effort to reach out to women, try to make new friends and reconnect with old ones. I met with my friend who's visiting from New York and she said there is a Hawaii Princess Party company that's currently hiring. You basically dress up as a Disney Princess and go to kids parties and entertain. I bellydanced at a Persian one-year-old's birthday party and whenever I dance, the kids are always mesmerised. I also figured my dance space could be used for kids events and classes. In the women's support group I've been going to, it came up that I need to give my inner child more love and attention. The lesson I gained from my experience with Nicole was that I need more fun and play in my life. Being around other children could be a way for me to interact more with own inner child. 

The Road to Recovery

9/17:

Woke up finally feeling inspired to start planning my Southern Europe trip, so I did a bunch of research. I've had so much resistance to the planning process, but now the restlessness of being in this apartment and the weather getting colder is starting to motivate me. It was sunny, but I thought it was too chilly to go outside, so I stayed inside and worked on my needle-point and started drawing a picture of my cousin for his birthday next weekend. In the evening I made a delicious dinner, we finished the movie and I walked down to the store for my mom.

9/16:

I challenged my stamina to walk all the way down to Winterviken and back and I made it! A little bit of progress every day. My mind felt sharper too. I walked through the allotments and admired the flowers, plum trees and apple trees.

Watched the ducks and lay on the bridge by the water and listened to music. Swedes were still swimming in the cold water even though it's the end of September...

The sun was out, but I got a bit cold so I took a bath before bedtime. My mom and I started watching "As Good As it Gets" with Jack Nicholson.

9/15: 

Slept until 10 AM, which was nice! I meditated and did some gentle stretching. It was a beautiful and warm day, so I tested my limits and walked down to Aspudden and had lunch at Manhem's Café and then walked over to see the animals in the park. On the way back up the hill I felt weak/tired and had to take it really slow. In the evening we watched a nice touching movie with Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth called "The Last Song". 

9/14:

Only got 6 hours of sleep again, but started the day by doing a month's worth of laundry at 8 AM for four hours. It was a lot of work, especially since I had to run up and down the stairs to the laundry room. Also cleaned the bathroom and took a shower. Felt so nice to have clean clothes again after having to wear the same clothes for weeks and hand wash my underwear! My mom and I went for a walk and then watched "The Giant Mechanical Man", which was a very sweet and simple movie.

9/13: 

Only got about 6 hours of sleep, but I didn't take a nap. Had enough energy to vacuum! (The apartment was so dirty because we had both been too sick to clean). We got a ton of food delivered from the store. Watched "Joy" (inspiring for strong, independent women), worked on my needle-point, went for a walk with my mom and watched "Mike & Dave Need Wedding Dates" which was so funny and it was nice to see so much of Hawaii in it. 

I had a lot of energy (probably because it was almost the full moon and it was in my sign) so I didn't fall asleep until about 2 AM.

9/12:

Meditated with my mom in the morning and ate a fruit salad with lots of blueberries and black currants.

Took a long nap until 2 PM, worked on my needle-point and listened to music. Later on I went out to get us some sushi and stuff at the grocery store. I was able to climb stairs and walk pretty fast without getting exhausted! Yay!!

9/11:

I slept all night, but kept waking up and tossing and turning. We started the day by watching "Friends". Did not take a nap but I worked on my needle-point and listened to Britney = happy! I also read a little bit out of "A New Earth" by Eckart Tolle, a book my dad gave me for my 18th birthday. My mom and I went for a slow walk later on and saw that same cute cat and a deer. Deer is a symbol of peace, a reminder of our innocence and the fundamental need to be nurtured/protected, and a sign to leap far and wide into our dreams.

9/10:

Finished the NVC book! I highly recommend this book and believe the world would be a better place if everyone read it. It's the first time I've read a book in years! Then I started reading "Möt din Rädsla - från medberoende till frihet" ("Face to Face with Fear - from codependency to freedom") by Thomas Krishnanda Trobe. This process I'm going through is not only a "healing process", but a "liberation process". Who am I? Why am I here? What do I want? Where do I go?

I only got 6 hours of sleep, so I took a nice long nap. My mom and I went for a walk and picked more apples and met a sweet cat.

We watched "Up in the Air" (which I've seen before several times before) and I gave my mom some healing.

I am slowly getting stronger by the day. I guess the lesson here is patience. I still keep getting this angel card repeatedly: "Take it Easy ~ You don't have to rush anything or force things to happen. Everything happens exactly when it should".

9/9:

Slept a lot and read. No coughing! My mom went to the hospital again because she's not noticing much of an improvement (luckily it turns out she's ok) and I stayed home and watched an interview with Max Martin (my favorite song writer) and played the piano and sang, even though I barely can right now and it's probably not good for my voice to be pushing it. I just love being home alone! I feel so free.

9/8:

Had an easy-going day and rested a lot. Barely coughed. My mom and I went for a little walk to the cliffs (like two slowpokes) which was really nice and peaceful and we picked apples. We watched "Legends of the Fall" which was really great and moving. I usually don't think Brad Pitt is hot, but he sure was in this movie! I liked the opening quote in the beginning:

"Some people hear their own voices with great clearness and they live by what they hear. Such people become crazy or they become Legend".

9/7: 

My mom and I meditated in the morning. I felt a bit restless and impatient, so I went outside and had enough energy to walk (about 10 minutes) to the cliffs by the apartment buildings and lie down. 

The weather was beautiful. At 2 PM Carina stopped by for a couple of hours. It was nice to have some company. In the evening we looked at old photo albums and watched "Philomena" which was moving. It was based on a true story about a mother who was forced by Catholic nuns to give up her baby for adoption because she had sex without being married, then tried to find her son 50 years later, only to find our he's dead and the nuns lied and prevented them from finding each other. Stupid Catholics. Religion can cause so much suffering.

9/6: 

Minimal coughing today and more energy, but took a nap in the day. Only two more chapters left of the NVC book. My mom and I watched "Good Will Hunting" and I really really loved it! I saw it in the theatres as a kid in 1997, but of course was too young to understand anything (9 years old). I never liked a Matt Damon that much, but after this I'm kind of a fan! RIP Robin Williams, you were a marvelous actor.

9/5:

I stopped taking that strong cough medicine last night, so I had more energy and I still got about 10 hours of sleep. I dreamt that my husband was driving our car in Maui and I was in the back seat cleaning out junk. To dream that you are cleaning indicates your ability to make situations more positive and to solve pressing problems. You are learning how to replace pessimistic views and beliefs with those that are more uplifting and pleasurable. This can suggest your desire to seek inner peace and enlightenment.

My mom and I watched "The Black Stallion" in the morning and while she was resting I watched "The Secret Life of Pets" (there were some funny parts, but overall I didn't like it that much). Obsessed with Ariana Grande, especially her new song, "Side to Side" (listening to it on repeat!). No nap today.

I sat outside for a while and painted my nails and in the evening we got another delivery from the grocery store.

An abundance of fruit!

9/4:

Another day of sleeping and practicing non-doing/just being. After all, we are "human beings", not "human doings", right? My mom and I watched "Like Water For Chocolate" and hated it. Really loving Britney Spears new album, "Glory" though!

9/3:

I dreamt I gave birth to a daughter (on the bed) and named her Tallulah. Dreaming of birth usually symbolizes new beginnings, ideas or projects and that a spiritual aspect to your life is about to unfold. Sometimes bringing something new into your life can be a painful process. It brings good luck if you are married.

For Carl Jung dreams about birth were important because they represented a stage in the ‘individuation’ process. Put simply, this is the growth of the human psyche to maturation and wholeness and personal psychological development.

Rested most of the day and around 4:30 PM I took a shower and took the bus to Liljeholmen to pick up my mom's antibiotics and do some grocery shopping. I was gone for an hour. My first time out since the hospital 10 days ago. Man, that took a lot of energy! I felt like I was moving and thinking in slow motion. I was still coughing, but not as much. I put on a pair of pants I hadn't worn in a while and realized how much weight I'd lost.

9/2: Slept until 11 AM! (That's 12 hours of sleep). Felt so nice - I've been getting a lot of sleep lately and have been taking this strong cough medicine before bed that is classified as a narcotic, so it makes you tired. This is so good for me - my whole life I've been like "go, go, go!" and "busy, busy, busy!" (even as a kid). Always working on something and being such a good girl. It is such a good challenge for me to do practically nothing, allow myself to waste time, allow myself to do things just for fun, allow myself to just take it easy and relax... Thank you God, for always giving me exactly what I need, when I need it.

I watched "Zootopia again", I thought it was THAT good :) My mom went to the hospital and she has pneumonia too in her left lung and has to take antibiotics for 10 days. I watched the Pentatonix tour on Netflix while I was home alone.

9/1: Low energy today and slept a lot. Finished the butterfly on my needle-point project and watched "Fresh Prince in Bel-Air".

8/31: The sun is shining, I can breathe, I feel grateful. Last day of antibiotics! Happy I am strong enough to take care of my mom and myself. We watched "Fresh Prince in Bel-Air" and "Zootopia" and Carina stopped by in the evening and dropped off some groceries. I loved "Zootopia"... so inspiring about following your dreams and not letting anyone or anything stop you and also everyone getting along despite our differences!

8/30: Doing better! More energy, not running out of breath as easily, I can take deep breaths without coughing or feeling pain... The doctor called and said they got the test results and they prescribed the right kind of antibiotics for that type of bacteria. My mom wasn't doing good though... We watched "Clueless" (my favorite movie growing up) and "Brave" in the evening.

8/29: Rainy day... Feeling stronger, no fever, breathing a little easier, still coughing up mucous, feeling tired (but not as tired), achy... I had enough energy to watch "Once" in the daytime and read without taking a nap and took a shower. In the evening we ordered groceries delivered to our door. There was no way either of us could go to the store. So happy Anders told us about that option! I made dinner in the evening and my mom and I stayed in separate rooms to avoid germs.

8/28: Now my mom got sick with the fever and a cough... uh-oh! Luckily, I was just starting to feel strong enough to cook a little, so I made us fruit salads and a big soup. We watched "Friends" and "13 Going On 30" in the evening.

8/27: Felt a little better... Fever continued to go down to almost nothing and I could breathe a little easier and yawn a bit and was sweating less. Still coughing up a bunch of mucous, had body aches, a headache, was bedridden and ran out of breath easily if I got up. We watched "Under the Tuscan Sun" in the evening and I loved it and felt inspired to go to Tuscany. 

Pneumonia

8/26: 

Woke up at 3 AM coughing (this has been a pattern lately) and then went back to sleep and woke up around 5:45 AM in a cold, wet bed because I'd been sweating so much. I felt very gross... The good news is my fever went down to 36.2, which is the lowest it's been! First sign of improvement!

My appetite was good enough to eat some pasta for lunch (I've been eating mainly fruits and veggies) which gave me more strength. It was such a nice warm day and I wished I could be outside... I leaned out the window for a while which felt really nice. I was able to take a long shower without getting dizzy afterward and I changed my clothes and my mom put new clean sheets on the bed, so I felt a lot more refreshed.

In the evening we finished watching "Mary Poppins".

8/25: 

Not feeling better still, so I went back to the hospital and spent about five hours there. They said my viral load was higher than before, so I got a lung X-ray and a few more tests (which they didn't do last because it was too late at night). They prescribed a different kind of antibiotics and if I don't notice an improvement after two days I need to come back again. It can take 2-3 weeks for me to feel back to normal and even then I might feel weak. So I won't be hopping on a plane anytime soon. Pneumonia takes a toll on the body and it can take a while to recover. Right now my job is basically to rest, drink water, cough up mucous and do things that make me happy :)

My mom and I continued watching "Mary Poppins" in the evening, but I got so feverish, I had to go to bed.

8/24: 

Another beautiful day ~ was able to sit out in the sun and eat for a while. Took all the prescriptions to try to get better so I wouldn't have to go back to the hospital tomorrow. It was a lot of work to keep track of everything! Antibiotics, Advil, Vitamin C, tons of water, inhalator, essential oils, cough medicine and Ultrasonic Nebulizer... We watched Mary Poppins in the evening which made me happy.

8/23: 

Another beautiful sunny day. I leaned out the window for a while in the morning, soaking up the fresh air and sun. Being sick makes you appreciate the small things. I was really enjoying fully being present with the sensation of warm peppermint tea going down my throat and chest. I felt peaceful and my mind was quiet.

Pretty much all of my physical symptoms in my life have been caused by underlying emotional issues. I find it so interesting how the mind, body and spirit are so strongly connected and affected by eachother. The underlying emotional reason for lung problems is fear of life, which is exactly how I was feeling. Once I found out it was pneumonia, and got in touch with the fact I could actually die from this, I realized my fear of life was bigger than my fear of death. Really it's the fear of pain in life. But then I started thinking about all the pleasures I would miss about living... my loved ones, cuddly cats, singing, dancing, the ocean, trees, birds, love, music, laughter, movies, good life-changing books, beauty, sunshine, fireplaces... And I started feeling grateful again. Which I believe is the key to happiness.

Our relative, Louise sent flowers to our door! That made me so happy! So unexpected!

8/22: 

Another sunny day! I was starting to get my voice back. The next three days were free trial days at Balettakademin (try any dance class free), so I was a bit bummed about missing that. 

My fever was higher today and by evening it started to hurt when I took deep breaths and coughed, so we decided to take an über to the hospital around 9 PM. Luckily they took me in immediately and they took good care of me and took tests. Turns out it's pneumonia and I need to take antibiotics for 10 days. If I don't start feeling better after two days, I have to go back to the hospital.

My first time ever having to go to a hospital! (I wasn't even born in one). I'm so lucky I got sick here and not anywhere else on my trip, and that I didn't book a return ticket. I was also lucky I got my renewed passport before I got sick so my visit wasn't so expensive! Seeing all the sick people in the hospital made me feel so much compassion for all the suffering going on in the word.

8/21: 

Still sick but I felt like maybe it was starting to turn around. Day 9. 

Carina came by in the evening with essential oils and Vitamin C and gave me a foot massage. Best Godmother :) Mega Vitamin C doses (10,000-20,000 mg a day) has saved lives. My mom and I watched the Japanese Animation of "Swan Lake".

8/20: 

I woke up at 10 AM from a dream that I lost my purse and looked up the dream symbolism. "It denotes loss of power and control. You may have lost touch with your real identity."

The sun was out again. I was feeling pretty much the same.

Anders brought by an Ultrasonic Nebulizer with Colloidal Silver for me to try for my cough. It helped him when he had pneumonia.

I read, worked on my needle-point, slept and played Othello in the day and watched a movie in the evening.

8/19: 

The sun finally came out! Thank God! My mom and I took an über to the emergency clinic in Axelsberg. We spoke with a nurse who advised I see a doctor because it could lead to pneumonia, in which case I would need antibiotics. The fever was sticking around because there was a virus or bacteria in my chest and I needed to cough it up. Since we would have to go all the way to Huddinge emergency because Axelsberg didn't have any openings, we decided to first get some cough medicine and see how I felt and if I got worse, go see a doctor. 

It was so nice to get some fresh air and sun and it didn't feel as cold as before (I dressed warmer too) and took it slow and didn't get too exhausted from the fever.

Reflecting on the fact that I am responsible for all my choices. Just really getting it. Wow. What a terrifying and exciting insight. It's all about priorities and needs and choosing one experience over another. I don't have to do anything that I don't want. And I can do exactly what I want.

The stress comes from thinking that I have to do something I am not willing to do or that am not ready for, because if I don't, then a (series of) negative consequence(s) might follow and I won't be getting my needs met.

I can let go of these stupid ideas around turning 30 in a couple years and putting pressure on myself to have it together by then and know what I want to do with my life.

I kept asking myself:

"What would feel good right now? What else is possible?"

I felt disappointed because I missed Cullbergbaletten who performed at Vitabergsparken tonight :( I had been looking forward to that.

My mom and I stayed up until 12:30 AM, while I lay in her lap sweating and coughing my guts out, watching "The Horse Whisperer" which I thought was a really beautiful and good movie.