9/18:
Watched a Non-violent Communication workshop on Youtube today with Dr. Marshall Rosenberg (who wrote the book I read).
Here are the links:
I am so utterly impressed with this guy and he clarified and covered a lot that he didn't in his book. I feel so grateful for the NVC method because it gives me tools for improving my relationships (both with myself and other people), questioning and becoming aware of my thought processes and self-talk, developing deeper listening skills, more compassion, understanding, connection, love, inner peace, assertiveness, boundaries and intimacy. All these things are useful to me to benefit my happiness.
I grew up in a New Age family and was introduced to ideas and theories about "enlightenment" at a very young age; TOO young in my opinion for it to be useful information and not misinterpreted. In some ways it interfered with my life negatively and in other ways positively. Overall, I don't see the point in attaining "enlightenment". How is that useful for living your life in the "real world" in a physical body with physical and emotional needs (basically being human)? When I try to read books by Eckhart Tolle for example, I feel frustrated because I just don't get much out of it. I believe this mentality can also create a certain amount of ego and separation between people through thoughts of superiority and judgment, just like any man-made religion. However, getting in touch with our needs and feelings and understanding how to meet them (my description of NVC in a nutshell) is so necessary for truly becoming an accountable and responsible adult.
This leads me to think about happiness and Buddhism's mentality that the way to end suffering is to diminish desire. My interpetation of that statement is, "Suffering is bad, desire is bad, and without these two things you will be happy". But isn't suffering just a part of life and a gateway to happiness? Suffering helps us appreciate the good times.
Many of us learn early on to ignore our feelings and true needs, act like everything is fine (to avoid rocking the boat or being called needy and/or selfish/self-absorbed), do what we're told whether we want to or not, ignore our passions to survive and feel safe and blend in with the crowd. Does that make us happy? I believe not. Knowing what we want, feeling desire and meeting that desire can improve our lives and give us pleasure. I believe the root to unhappiness is our ATTACHMENT to happiness and the ways that we try to AVOID pain instead of feeling it. We all have different strategies for escaping; for example numbing ourselves emotionally, being defensive in all kinds of ways, being in denial, blaming others/surroundings/situations, and one of the biggest ones being addiction. I've always been the kind of person who tries to avoid anything addicting, but now I am starting to think that a certain amount of addiction or distraction is ok, as long as it is not self-destructive and/or ruining your life. There is something really satisfying and liberating about selfishly giving in to your animal needs and giving yourself what you want, that makes you feel exuberantly alive. Why, maybe even trying to reach enlightenment is way to try to avoid pain?
Then there is also pain that can be necessary and healthy to avoid. If a certain situation or person is causing you too much pain, you can choose to avoid it and meet your need for happiness and peace in some other way. Some pain we need to accept, such as from childhood, in which case "The only way out is through", to quote John DeRuiter.
I am at a point in my life where I am not sure what I desire and that does not bring me happiness. Or more accurately, my attitude to not knowing what I want does not bring me happiness. For me, there is a fulfillment in having direction and a sense of purpose in life. Dissatisfaction and desire for improvement can motivate us to grow and challenge ourselves.
So in conclusion, here are my thoughts: The first step is getting in touch with our needs. The next step is meeting them. Then realizing that no matter how hard we try to be happy and satisfied by meeting our needs, we won't be permanently content. And that's ok because happiness is a feeling, and feelings come and go.
I think the solution is being grateful for what we have, accepting and enjoying the present moment, AND also being open to ways we can improve things, without being attached to a certain outcome. It is also important to realize our limits/weaknesses and when our expectations are unrealistic, OR when we are not believing in ourselves enough and underestimating our power and worthiness to have what we desire.
Thank you for reading and I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments section below.
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